The Embarrassment Sign​-​Up Sheet

by Theophagus

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about

{TCE-061}

THE EMBARRASSMENT SIGN-UP SHEET
(THE EARLIEST YEAR, PART 2)

Here it is: the earliest and most embarrassing Theophagus material, never intended for release, that I thought I'd always keep hidden... the musical shame, my brooding secret...
The juvenile learning curve laid bare!
HERE IT IS!!!
...The first THEOPHAGUS RELEASE TO COST MONEY!!!
(the second, actually - but this is part 2 of 2, so the complete package will cost you ten bucks... and that's worthy of a few extra exclamation points)

WHY?
It's the holiday season - it makes the perfect gift for:
- That weird nephew with the provocative t-shirts!
- Your lo-fi-loving mom!
- An anthropomorphic shower radio who's feeling depressed!
- Dads who love to hit Theophagus with a hammer!
- Anyone you want to horrify using something that you can hear!

naw, j/k, I COULD USE THE MONEY!!!!!


-------------

THEOPHAGUS is the name of the solo songwriting/recording project I began at around age 16. From 1992-2002 I recorded roughly 100 hours of material, most of it on my Yamaha MT8X 8-track cassette recorder.

Every song has been re-digitized, rebuilt, remixed, and remastered directly from the original cassettes.

(Please note that while we at Optical Pies Recorders have made every effort possible to heighten and augment the fidelity, the quality in [most] places might seem lacking. This is an illusion.)

credits

released December 8, 2015

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TrashCanEagle Sacramento, California

Official label of XOC* and friends


* one of those video game music guys

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Track Name: El Villancico Queso [remake]
EL VILLANCICO QUESO [remake]

You know sometimes I realize the sausage is getting to me
And times are hard
Notepad stares back at the trio so rustic and cheesy
The E before F really fast in your face
With my skills on my hands into space
Your urchin is mine, your face in my hands
Biting down through the skin, purple rises to prize
Your urchin is mine, your face in my hands
My glands and your prize
Spanish Rica, her eyes meet demise
I just wanna have something to do
And I want you to know I sniff glue
I got some "C" batteries for my Speak 'n' Spell tonight
For dinner entertainment
I'm in great shape but I think I'm going bald
Well, how 'bout that? Fuck my cat
Ooooh parallel, ooooh parasite
Ooooh parallel, ooooh parasite
Track Name: Back to the Locker Room
BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM

Like old basketball shoes and abandoned locker rooms
with bloody tumbling mats and fateful victim cats
Like a cast-iron eagle - keep that holy land
Drink 'til you collapse or hard and fast
to the band and/with the hand with the man
The embarrassment sign-up sheet
Your position has been filled
The analytical workings behind nostalgic hills
The embarrassment sign-up sheet
Salt stones in a jar
The analytical workings behind nostalgic train car
(You didn't know me then, so why do you know me now?)
[like a?????] desecrated mural
and when the wind picks up right,
our own little cesspool in the night and [it's safe?????]
Track Name: Gutta Percha
GUTTA PERCHA

A leisure sport a waste of space I see it in your
Face the facts it's too much land ruled underneath the
Handed down from this to that it's not for me you
See the lovely people walking 'long virescent
Hills to keep us in and clean and away from all our
Problems wait outside, so costume up and take a
Drive your little cart across the lovely meadows
Green is all you see avoid the beach and grab a (tee)
I like to chase something I hit, and I love this game (oh shit!)
I'll take on out my club, and hit that ball again
A code of dress somewhat like sport that's organized
(But this is just for fun!)
You too may succumb to the lure of this game, or you haven't yet
The methods don't end, the tips don't quit
You lie in the rough, you walk forever
Slice hook slice hook slice hook slice hook
Slice hook slice hook slice hook slice hook
I know each and ev'ry one by heart
Can you buy into this new level of fun?
Your shoes cut holes in the ground you walk on
Bunkers are the harbingers of doom to your par
Your handicap becomes a shadow of insecurity
Four thousand eight hundred acres...
Track Name: Shaking Hands with a Fistful of Salt
FISTFUL OF SALT[???????????????? ]

I don't wanna ???, I don't know your name
???talk forever? and you're not to blame
I feel so confused - I wish I was scared
? is panic and hot is the air
Track Name: Your Yummy Summer
YOUR YUMMY SUMMER

Diet (don't try it)
Take a walk, have a drink
It's your failure and you're pink
And your new friends and your boss
Yummy summer gathers moss
Picanoli is his name
Supervisor assigns the blame
What has happened to myself?
The underwear of a Keebler elf
Track Name: Boise Idaho is a Party Town
BOISE IDAHO IS A PARTY TOWN

[?]
Boise Idaho is a party town, man
Track Name: Fear of Sand
FEAR OF SAND

Everhard - You're not the way you used to be
Permatweez - There's only one thing and it's two
Munchin' lard is the way I want to see
Not at all - I can't adapt to you
Everhard - You're not the way you used to be
Permatweez is the way I want to see
Munchin' lard - There's only one thing and it's two
Not at all - I can't adapt to you
There's only one thing and it's two
You're not the way you used to be, Everhard, Permatweez
Munchin' lard - is the way I want to see
Not at all - I can't adapt to you
(Muthafucka say UNGH y'understand? Well, that's just great)
My eyes don't seem to be my own
I never will have grown as I groan upon the floor
My face is sewn
Saccade, fanfaronade
The floor is of my tirade
Everhard - You're not the way you used to be
when it's like[?????]
DUTT FUH DUTT FUH DUTT FUH DUTT FUH
Track Name: Trick or Treatment
TRICK OR TREATMENT

Walkin around, I'm walkin downtown, Halloween mask on my face
"Ev'ryday's new and precious to me," I think as I trip into space
Lovin' the pain inflicted upon my skinny body in haste
People don't see my deep insight as I bleed and lay in my waste
"My karma ran over your dogma"
"My karma ran over your dogma"
Make it around the world, trick or treat
Walkin' the plank as I think about flank and Christian supplies by the score
Listening to the tinny Muzak - a chainsaw to run through the store
Beany The Waif is starving away - who could ask for anything more?
Track Name: Fat Gut Song
FAT GUT SONG

Don't tell me not to eat eggs
Don't tell me not to eat cheese
Don't tell me not to drink beer
'Cause I got a fat gut - oh yeah
Track Name: The Bi-Polar Stroll
THE BI-POLAR STROLL

Mood disorders are disturbances of mood or affect. Generally, mood disorders are divided into severe depression (or "uni-polar disorder") or manic-depressive illness ("bi-polar disorder"). Over 10 million in the U.S. are believed to suffer so severely from mood disorders that they are unable to live normally. Mood disorders can be effectively controlled in most people with medication. Manic-depression is treated with lithium and anti-depressants. Over 80% of the individuals suffering from depression can be helped by medication, sometimes coupled with supportive psychotherapy.
Track Name: Slowly Burning Underwear
SLOWLY BURNING UNDERWEAR

? change my life?
And I'll tell you what's better
I got (a ??)
My secret windowbox????????
Slowly burning underwear
The original "just because"
Never find the perfection you crave
??? don't mean a thing if it ain't got that ???
Shamalo?????????
with my ????? up my ass?
Windowpane
Feminine comfort
Blink and squint
I ain't no fake - FAKE
??????????
Track Name: Weenie Roast OR, Cats Pointing to the Sky
WEENIE ROAST (GIT DOWN) [aka CATS POINTING TO THE SKY]

One and eight and fifteen two, this town don't rely on you
Drop out of the scene and see - okay, yeah yeah, uh-huh, me and you...
Two and nine and sixteen three, you're not what I want to see
That's the way, that's the way it goes
[MISSING VOCAL: We are in the middle of the new contamination /
The concentration centers on the sensitive acculturali-]-zation
We watch as all the Cats pop up around
Bail out and take a trip and hear the panic sound, oh yeah
We are in the middle of the new contamination
We could be light-hearted but it serves as condemnation
To the Hell of loss of senses - I could care if I'm a lie
Bundle up for sunshine and the Cats point to the sky
Track Name: Gaba Gee Da Bagga Sklie Blatz
GABA GEE DA BAGGA SKLIE BLATZ

[inspired by the chapter of the same name from
"Non Sequitur /R: Puppies on the Freeway" by Madison Smith]
Track Name: My Name is Q
MY NAME IS Q

My name is Q and I am funky
I travel 'round space, lookin' for mortals to tease
(Tiggidy-tiggidy-tease)
My name is Q and I'm an asshole
The continuum's home but I'll stick around if you please
My name is Q, I mess with you
(I'm John de Lancie, how do you do?)
My name is Q and I'm immortal
Pick on Picard 'cause I can and it's so much fun
(Figgidy-figgidy-fun)
My name is Q - I turn the screw
One man's terror is another man's fun
And I don't think I'm quite done
My name is Q