We've updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

The Embarrassment Sign​-​Up Sheet

by Theophagus

Intro 00:58
EL VILLANCICO QUESO [remake] You know sometimes I realize the sausage is getting to me And times are hard Notepad stares back at the trio so rustic and cheesy The E before F really fast in your face With my skills on my hands into space Your urchin is mine, your face in my hands Biting down through the skin, purple rises to prize Your urchin is mine, your face in my hands My glands and your prize Spanish Rica, her eyes meet demise I just wanna have something to do And I want you to know I sniff glue I got some "C" batteries for my Speak 'n' Spell tonight For dinner entertainment I'm in great shape but I think I'm going bald Well, how 'bout that? Fuck my cat Ooooh parallel, ooooh parasite Ooooh parallel, ooooh parasite
BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM Like old basketball shoes and abandoned locker rooms with bloody tumbling mats and fateful victim cats Like a cast-iron eagle - keep that holy land Drink 'til you collapse or hard and fast to the band and/with the hand with the man The embarrassment sign-up sheet Your position has been filled The analytical workings behind nostalgic hills The embarrassment sign-up sheet Salt stones in a jar The analytical workings behind nostalgic train car (You didn't know me then, so why do you know me now?) [like a?????] desecrated mural and when the wind picks up right, our own little cesspool in the night and [it's safe?????]
Gutta Percha 02:13
GUTTA PERCHA A leisure sport a waste of space I see it in your Face the facts it's too much land ruled underneath the Handed down from this to that it's not for me you See the lovely people walking 'long virescent Hills to keep us in and clean and away from all our Problems wait outside, so costume up and take a Drive your little cart across the lovely meadows Green is all you see avoid the beach and grab a (tee) I like to chase something I hit, and I love this game (oh shit!) I'll take on out my club, and hit that ball again A code of dress somewhat like sport that's organized (But this is just for fun!) You too may succumb to the lure of this game, or you haven't yet The methods don't end, the tips don't quit You lie in the rough, you walk forever Slice hook slice hook slice hook slice hook Slice hook slice hook slice hook slice hook I know each and ev'ry one by heart Can you buy into this new level of fun? Your shoes cut holes in the ground you walk on Bunkers are the harbingers of doom to your par Your handicap becomes a shadow of insecurity Four thousand eight hundred acres...
Mrs. Fields 00:55
FISTFUL OF SALT[???????????????? ] I don't wanna ???, I don't know your name ???talk forever? and you're not to blame I feel so confused - I wish I was scared ? is panic and hot is the air
YOUR YUMMY SUMMER Diet (don't try it) Take a walk, have a drink It's your failure and you're pink And your new friends and your boss Yummy summer gathers moss Picanoli is his name Supervisor assigns the blame What has happened to myself? The underwear of a Keebler elf
BOISE IDAHO IS A PARTY TOWN [?] Boise Idaho is a party town, man
Fear of Sand 01:37
FEAR OF SAND Everhard - You're not the way you used to be Permatweez - There's only one thing and it's two Munchin' lard is the way I want to see Not at all - I can't adapt to you Everhard - You're not the way you used to be Permatweez is the way I want to see Munchin' lard - There's only one thing and it's two Not at all - I can't adapt to you There's only one thing and it's two You're not the way you used to be, Everhard, Permatweez Munchin' lard - is the way I want to see Not at all - I can't adapt to you (Muthafucka say UNGH y'understand? Well, that's just great) My eyes don't seem to be my own I never will have grown as I groan upon the floor My face is sewn Saccade, fanfaronade The floor is of my tirade Everhard - You're not the way you used to be when it's like[?????] DUTT FUH DUTT FUH DUTT FUH DUTT FUH
TRICK OR TREATMENT Walkin around, I'm walkin downtown, Halloween mask on my face "Ev'ryday's new and precious to me," I think as I trip into space Lovin' the pain inflicted upon my skinny body in haste People don't see my deep insight as I bleed and lay in my waste "My karma ran over your dogma" "My karma ran over your dogma" Make it around the world, trick or treat Walkin' the plank as I think about flank and Christian supplies by the score Listening to the tinny Muzak - a chainsaw to run through the store Beany The Waif is starving away - who could ask for anything more?
Fat Gut Song 00:20
FAT GUT SONG Don't tell me not to eat eggs Don't tell me not to eat cheese Don't tell me not to drink beer 'Cause I got a fat gut - oh yeah
THE BI-POLAR STROLL Mood disorders are disturbances of mood or affect. Generally, mood disorders are divided into severe depression (or "uni-polar disorder") or manic-depressive illness ("bi-polar disorder"). Over 10 million in the U.S. are believed to suffer so severely from mood disorders that they are unable to live normally. Mood disorders can be effectively controlled in most people with medication. Manic-depression is treated with lithium and anti-depressants. Over 80% of the individuals suffering from depression can be helped by medication, sometimes coupled with supportive psychotherapy.
SLOWLY BURNING UNDERWEAR ? change my life? And I'll tell you what's better I got (a ??) My secret windowbox???????? Slowly burning underwear The original "just because" Never find the perfection you crave ??? don't mean a thing if it ain't got that ??? Shamalo????????? with my ????? up my ass? Windowpane Feminine comfort Blink and squint I ain't no fake - FAKE ??????????
WEENIE ROAST (GIT DOWN) [aka CATS POINTING TO THE SKY] One and eight and fifteen two, this town don't rely on you Drop out of the scene and see - okay, yeah yeah, uh-huh, me and you... Two and nine and sixteen three, you're not what I want to see That's the way, that's the way it goes [MISSING VOCAL: We are in the middle of the new contamination / The concentration centers on the sensitive acculturali-]-zation We watch as all the Cats pop up around Bail out and take a trip and hear the panic sound, oh yeah We are in the middle of the new contamination We could be light-hearted but it serves as condemnation To the Hell of loss of senses - I could care if I'm a lie Bundle up for sunshine and the Cats point to the sky
GABA GEE DA BAGGA SKLIE BLATZ [inspired by the chapter of the same name from "Non Sequitur /R: Puppies on the Freeway" by Madison Smith]
My Name is Q 02:12
MY NAME IS Q My name is Q and I am funky I travel 'round space, lookin' for mortals to tease (Tiggidy-tiggidy-tease) My name is Q and I'm an asshole The continuum's home but I'll stick around if you please My name is Q, I mess with you (I'm John de Lancie, how do you do?) My name is Q and I'm immortal Pick on Picard 'cause I can and it's so much fun (Figgidy-figgidy-fun) My name is Q - I turn the screw One man's terror is another man's fun And I don't think I'm quite done My name is Q




Here it is: the earliest and most embarrassing Theophagus material, never intended for release, that I thought I'd always keep hidden... the musical shame, my brooding secret...
The juvenile learning curve laid bare!
(the second, actually - but this is part 2 of 2, so the complete package will cost you ten bucks... and that's worthy of a few extra exclamation points)

It's the holiday season - it makes the perfect gift for:
- That weird nephew with the provocative t-shirts!
- Your lo-fi-loving mom!
- An anthropomorphic shower radio who's feeling depressed!
- Dads who love to hit Theophagus with a hammer!
- Anyone you want to horrify using something that you can hear!

naw, j/k, I COULD USE THE MONEY!!!!!


THEOPHAGUS is the name of the solo songwriting/recording project I began at around age 16. From 1992-2002 I recorded roughly 100 hours of material, most of it on my Yamaha MT8X 8-track cassette recorder.

Every song has been re-digitized, rebuilt, remixed, and remastered directly from the original cassettes.

(Please note that while we at Optical Pies Recorders have made every effort possible to heighten and augment the fidelity, the quality in [most] places might seem lacking. This is an illusion.)


released December 8, 2015


all rights reserved



TrashCanEagle Sacramento, California

Official label of XOC* and friends

* one of those video game music guys

contact / help

Contact TrashCanEagle

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Report this album or account

If you like The Embarrassment Sign-Up Sheet, you may also like: