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The Earliest Year

by Theophagus

THE THEOPHAGUS LIQUIDATION SALE Uno dos tres quattro Theophagus is in the mothergrabbin' house Theophagus? T-ophagus T is for Tatterdemalion! Theophagus! Theophagus is in the house, ayyy Theophagus be in the house You're in Orangevale - La Soledad! Home of: Tatterdemalion... (Theophagus is having a liquidation sale) ...and The Sugah-Poehts! Liquidationliquidationliquidationliquidation Attention fairgoers! ...Hello? Uh... attention fairgoers... talk to me, robots I never even SAW these assholes before! 2 3 4 stop
T-H-E-O-P-H-A-BARBERSHOP Thee-ahhh-ffuhhhh-GUSSSSSS Bah bah bah ba ba ba b'ba ba
Dutt 01:24
EL VILLANCICO QUESO You know sometimes I realize the sausage is getting to me And times are hard Notepad stares back at the trio so rustic and cheesy The E before F really fast in your face With my skills on my hands into space Your urchin is mine, your face in my hands Biting down through the skin, purple rises to prize Your urchin is mine, your face in my hands My glands and your prize Spanish Rica, her eyes meet demise I just wanna have something to do And I want you to know I sniff glue I'm in great shape but I think I'm going bald Well, how 'bout that? No one cares, nothing new, I don't like what you like, couldn't care Ooooh parallel, ooooh parasite Ooooh parallel, ooooh parasite
ALCOHOL OF FAME She keeps her baby in a high crib on an uncarpeted floor So she can hear in case he falls out Alcohol of Fame Ronald Wilson Reagan tiptoes past the medicine cabinet So as not to wake the sleeping pills Booz-o-hol of Fame "You have twenty years to live," Auntie Me says, proud Don't'cha gimme none of that synthohol Give your poison's name
Ricky Tick 01:48
RICKY TICK What do people plan? Ricky Tick! I don't wanna hear your chirping, your voice makes me sick You're dancin' by yourself and it's so creepy I wanna see it wanna hear it but it makes me mad Turn it up I wanna get real weepy Ricky Tick! It's a generation lost for a reason this time Tortured rich and tortured poor, it's all historic It's reprieves and it's a cushion for the final blow Don't let it go it's all for good and the rhetoric [pronunciationlol] Ricky Tick!
POLYMATH ROCK (Oderous quote [quoderous?]) ???????????????????? ?????? Plymouth Rock No, it means Polymath, someone with great knowledge or it's varied It's a person who knew [sic] something 'bout it all I wanna see polymath rock 'n' roll - songs about just anything History teachers making [nitroglycerine?] complex trigonometry Yeah I'd like to see ???????? specialist with a Fender 6-string bass And a rock 'n' roll ???????????????????? Rock 'n' roll professor ???? with a/the? Telecaster Faster in a particle accelerator Yeah, that rocks Yeah, it means Polymath, someone with great knowledge or it's varied It's a person who knew something 'bout it all Yes, it means Polymath, someone with great knowledge or it's varied It's a person who knew something 'bout it all
I'LL BE THE VICTIM It's deviance - by whose views? It's still my right to pick and choose I sure don't feel so criminal Your morals aren't subliminal I choose to be a drunken fool ???? society, standards that which limit me Fornication, vagary, homosexuality Porno, drugs, obscenity, public D and O.T.B.[?] Incest, adultery, prostitution, sodomy It's not your choice - there's no consensus and I'll be the victim of my crime I wouldn't want to change your mind I like your prosecution just fine Change me 'round, I'm decent now I wouldn't want to break my vow (And if you believe that...) DC Code § 22-2001 [sic]
PHANTOM IMAGES Graphic circumflex around and straight unto the curve Rotten meat and fruit and rancid sausage bubbling Life is just like sighing, and the cliché doubles back I am out here, and all of you are phantom images As if my name was Nintendo you try to play me out I like the sounds of times of past so much I don't express Inspiration going nowhere, frustrating a smirk I feel confused and trapped inside my limited consciousness Uh-huh
HOT DOGS THAT MAKE NOISE Never stop The Pencil Man - he's a Sacramentian Hot dogs -- Hot dogs on the grill, that's nice Grease 'em up and shove 'em twice Mixin' chicken on the roof, ground up with a horse's hoof Premium bananas are a way to show you won't get far
I'M NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO THIS {aka "Your Urchin"} N-A-B-I-S-C-O[*], Nabisco is the name to know For a taste that can't be beat eat Nabisco shredded wheat I want to kill everyone, Satan is good, Satan is our pal [*sometimes "N-A-B-A-S-C-O"]
Wild Strawberries Trilogy 1. Drive On 2. Float On 3. Kill Me
Curtains 02:38
CURTAINS Naked The triple cliché is serious Becomes a joke, another joke, and a reality to me ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? I think ?????? just fine but the ???????? goes both ways ?????????????????????????????????????? But is it curtains? Naked Naked
OOOTTAFAGVSH (On Old Olympus's Tiny Tops A Fin And German Viewed Some Hops) O is for Olfactory, O is also for Optic and Oculomotor T is for Trochlear and Trigeminal - that's two Ts, don'tcha know A is for Abducens F is for Facial A is also for Acoustic, and I say "also" because A is for Also Abducens G is for Glossophary-l-g-h - sorry folks I've been singin' this song for so long I still can't pronounce Glosso-f'nab-zip-whatever V is for Vegas - where do you think we are? ...V-A-G-U-S. S is for Spinal Accessory H is for Hypoglossal
Bonz 03:03
BONZ ???????????????????????????????????????????????????? Terraplane?????????? Keep it never down It's a suddenly, it's an ampersand It's a suddenly, it's an ampersand It's a suddenly, it's an ampersand ?????????????????????????? ?? Day shiny sun bright???? on the terra????
HAMMER THE SUNFLOWER Hammer in the sunflower, clean up your mess It's mine - I don't belong ??????????mimic?? memory ???? shapes Don't leave?? it's been so long You just might know what I'm talkin' about Or snowball your act into arrested progress Both sides you can't see - no, you can't see me 2-9-8 on the sunflower seeds Reality of what my urges needs 2-9-8 on the sunflower seeds is a dirty slut picnic and a public disease King of the Drapes, yeah, high flattery Can't be what you must need Free Chocolate Milk, yeah, ???????tar fumes stink? ??????????? sow the seeds?
NIGHT OF THE LEPUS Run, run, the rabbits are chasing you down, down Down in this miniature town, town Built on the set of this film, film And don't you know It's the night, night, night of the rabbits The bunnies are loose and they're hoppin' for you In the night, night, night of the rabbits The bunnies are loose and they're hoppin' for you Run, run, the cottontail killers have come, come Come to your town and they're strong, strong Stronger than you would think But they're gettin' around... ??????
HYPERBOWLINGTROPHY It's six of one and half a dozen of the other You make me sick and I make your mother Hear the drummer at the edge of magic like Hart Henry Mancini's just a shot in the dark It may seem like a delusion of G of which it's just a "thang" or a glorified V But we kick the sub-glacial on the reservoir tip With the King Kong haberdasher scientist flip It may seem hackneyed or odd or banal Persona non grata in the resin canal The second-string slobs who just wanna be sedated But I got more rhymes than your sister that I dated I got 21 on my first night out I gave all the winnings to replace the tile grout And the gossamer devil's in the goulash pot A Gonzo statue ain't exactly what I got I got a little shock from the rhythm of your thighs You laid on my stomach and laughed at the skies I got a sunburn on my forehead skin Your honor says get off 'er but I'd rather keep it in
TANDEM DOG WALK Walk the Beat Street with sneakers on my feet and a cigarette hangin' from my lip A bounce in my walk and a mumble in my talk and Walkman hangin' on my hip Just a-boppin' down the road, all the mean people FOAD No job, no car, no girl But I got a Duncan Butterfly and I know if I try I could really go round the world But you need another yo to do a Tandem Dog Walk Yes you need another yo for that trick And if you get bored just bust it in a sock and wipe on your shirt with your dick Keep the beat steady and some more tapes ready with Duke Robillard or John Zorn The real freaky music or some blues if you use it or vocals by Buzzo Osbourne Got a tune, now the moon is lookin' out at high noon and I'm shakin' my head like a dunce But with the yo-yo, I got a ways to go If I ever wanna do two Walk-the-Dogs at once 'Cause you need another yo to do a Tandem Dog Walk Yes you need another yo for that stunt And if you get bored of me kissin' your ass Then turn around and I'll kiss your cunt/front You need another yo to do a Tandem Dog Walk Yes you need another yo for that trick And if you get bored just bust it in a sock and wipe on your shirt with your dick/prick Gemini Loops (all you guys are dupes!) Rock the Baby (don't mean maybe) Ursa Minor (nothin' finer in the diner) Double or Nothing (no I ain't bluffing)
MF IN THE P 02:26
MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE PLACE Motherfuckers in the place better wake up for love 'Cause Egg is on the mic and I'm straight outta OV That's Orangevale for the uninformed and the ignorant bliss [gotta call time on the rhyme?]??? Back to the topic of the day (to my dismay) To the town with more "hic"s than a drunk And more fools that can say more punk to the funk???????? And no coin-ops to play - so we say Motherfuckers in the place, yeah Get outta this town (now) Motherfuckers in the place (huunh!) We're gonna rip this mothafucka down (ow!) Motherfuckers in the place (yo!) We'll be livin' here for years So get outta this place or be bored to tears Now it's Orangevale, home of Pow Wow Days The manure's in the air and we soak up UV rays Sweatin' in the back of a pickup truck 'Cause we're [down to our ride] and down on our luck So we kick it inside and we come out at dark We head out for "action" at the nearest park We drive around in circles, clockin' down mileage So get the car and drive off the Rainbow Bridge Y'never seen so many ham-n-eggers sit together Or so many horny teens, they gettin' light as chicken feathers
THE MAN'S SONG Seaman cabman clubman subman tubman headman lead man mad man odd man bandman sandman bondman hodman woodman rodman wardman birdman iceman freeman cageman bargeman brakeman lineman tapeman fireman wireman shoreman horseman Norseman flagman ragman dragman swagman pegman yeggman Hangman songman cogman tugman coachman Welchman ranchman henchman Frenchman churchman watchman witchman Scotchman Dutchman ploughman freshman Welshman Bushman Northman packman checkman lockman stockman milkman bankman bookman workman oilman bellman billman millman tollman pullman schoolman penman Trainman gunman yeoman capman chapman shipman tipman shopman topman barman carman spearman merman airman floorman beadsman headsman leadsman oddsman bandsman landsman bondsman woodsman guardsman herdsman swordsman tribesman tradesman spokesman salesman talesman dolesman shoresman statesman dragsman Gangsman marksman bailsman spoilsman almsman helmsman groomsman clansman kinsman townsman oarsman passman messman pressman batsman craftsman draftsman yachtsman huntsman Scotsman sportsman batman meatman boatman pitman foorman postman crewman bowman cowman showman plowman cayman layman playman drayman wayman flyman.



(part 1 of 2)

Here it is: the earliest and most embarrassing Theophagus material, never intended for release, that I thought I'd always keep hidden... the musical shame, my brooding secret...
The juvenile learning curve laid bare!

It's the holiday season - it makes the perfect gift for:
- That weird nephew with the provocative t-shirts!
- Your lo-fi-loving mom!
- An anthropomorphic shower radio who's feeling depressed!
- Dads who love to hit Theophagus with a hammer!
- Anyone you want to horrify using something that you can hear!

naw, j/k, I COULD USE THE MONEY!!!!!


THEOPHAGUS is the name of the solo songwriting/recording project I began at around age 16. From 1992-2002 I recorded roughly 100 hours of material, most of it on my Yamaha MT8X 8-track cassette recorder.

Every song has been re-digitized, rebuilt, remixed, and remastered directly from the original cassettes.

(Please note that while we at Optical Pies Recorders have made every effort possible to heighten and augment the fidelity, the quality in [most] places might seem lacking. This is an illusion.)


released December 8, 2015


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TrashCanEagle Sacramento, California

Official label of XOC* and friends

* one of those video game music guys

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