The Earliest Year

by Theophagus




(part 1 of 2)

Here it is: the earliest and most embarrassing Theophagus material, never intended for release, that I thought I'd always keep hidden... the musical shame, my brooding secret...
The juvenile learning curve laid bare!

It's the holiday season - it makes the perfect gift for:
- That weird nephew with the provocative t-shirts!
- Your lo-fi-loving mom!
- An anthropomorphic shower radio who's feeling depressed!
- Dads who love to hit Theophagus with a hammer!
- Anyone you want to horrify using something that you can hear!

naw, j/k, I COULD USE THE MONEY!!!!!


THEOPHAGUS is the name of the solo songwriting/recording project I began at around age 16. From 1992-2002 I recorded roughly 100 hours of material, most of it on my Yamaha MT8X 8-track cassette recorder.

Every song has been re-digitized, rebuilt, remixed, and remastered directly from the original cassettes.

(Please note that while we at Optical Pies Recorders have made every effort possible to heighten and augment the fidelity, the quality in [most] places might seem lacking. This is an illusion.)


released December 8, 2015


all rights reserved



TrashCanEagle Sacramento, California

Official label of XOC* and friends

* one of those video game music guys

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Track Name: The Theophagus Liquidation Sale

Uno dos tres quattro
Theophagus is in the mothergrabbin' house
Theophagus? T-ophagus
T is for Tatterdemalion! Theophagus!
Theophagus is in the house, ayyy
Theophagus be in the house
You're in Orangevale - La Soledad!
Home of: Tatterdemalion...
(Theophagus is having a liquidation sale)
...and The Sugah-Poehts!
Attention fairgoers! ...Hello?
Uh... attention fairgoers... talk to me, robots
I never even SAW these assholes before!
2 3 4 stop
Track Name: T-H-E-O-P-H-A-Barbershop

Bah bah bah ba ba ba b'ba ba
Track Name: El Villancico Queso

You know sometimes I realize the sausage is getting to me
And times are hard
Notepad stares back at the trio so rustic and cheesy
The E before F really fast in your face
With my skills on my hands into space
Your urchin is mine, your face in my hands
Biting down through the skin, purple rises to prize
Your urchin is mine, your face in my hands
My glands and your prize
Spanish Rica, her eyes meet demise
I just wanna have something to do
And I want you to know I sniff glue
I'm in great shape but I think I'm going bald
Well, how 'bout that? No one cares, nothing new,
I don't like what you like, couldn't care
Ooooh parallel, ooooh parasite
Ooooh parallel, ooooh parasite
Track Name: Alcohol of Fame

She keeps her baby in a high crib on an uncarpeted floor
So she can hear in case he falls out
Alcohol of Fame
Ronald Wilson Reagan tiptoes past the medicine cabinet
So as not to wake the sleeping pills
Booz-o-hol of Fame
"You have twenty years to live," Auntie Me says, proud
Don't'cha gimme none of that synthohol
Give your poison's name
Track Name: Ricky Tick

What do people plan?
Ricky Tick!
I don't wanna hear your chirping, your voice makes me sick
You're dancin' by yourself and it's so creepy
I wanna see it wanna hear it but it makes me mad
Turn it up I wanna get real weepy
Ricky Tick!
It's a generation lost for a reason this time
Tortured rich and tortured poor, it's all historic
It's reprieves and it's a cushion for the final blow
Don't let it go it's all for good and the rhetoric [pronunciationlol]
Ricky Tick!
Track Name: Polymath Rock

(Oderous quote [quoderous?])
?????? Plymouth Rock
No, it means Polymath, someone with great knowledge or it's varied
It's a person who knew [sic] something 'bout it all
I wanna see polymath rock 'n' roll - songs about just anything
History teachers making [nitroglycerine?] complex trigonometry
Yeah I'd like to see ???????? specialist with a Fender 6-string bass
And a rock 'n' roll ????????????????????
Rock 'n' roll professor ???? with a/the? Telecaster
Faster in a particle accelerator
Yeah, that rocks
Yeah, it means Polymath, someone with great knowledge or it's varied
It's a person who knew something 'bout it all
Yes, it means Polymath, someone with great knowledge or it's varied
It's a person who knew something 'bout it all
Track Name: I'll Be The Victim

It's deviance - by whose views?
It's still my right to pick and choose
I sure don't feel so criminal
Your morals aren't subliminal
I choose to be a drunken fool
???? society, standards that which limit me
Fornication, vagary, homosexuality
Porno, drugs, obscenity, public D and O.T.B.[?]
Incest, adultery, prostitution, sodomy
It's not your choice - there's no consensus
and I'll be the victim of my crime
I wouldn't want to change your mind
I like your prosecution just fine
Change me 'round, I'm decent now
I wouldn't want to break my vow
(And if you believe that...)
DC Code § 22-2001 [sic]
Track Name: Phantom Images

Graphic circumflex around and straight unto the curve
Rotten meat and fruit and rancid sausage bubbling
Life is just like sighing, and the cliché doubles back
I am out here, and all of you are phantom images
As if my name was Nintendo you try to play me out
I like the sounds of times of past so much I don't express
Inspiration going nowhere, frustrating a smirk
I feel confused and trapped inside my limited consciousness
Track Name: Hot Dogs That Make Noise

Never stop The Pencil Man - he's a Sacramentian
Hot dogs --
Hot dogs on the grill, that's nice
Grease 'em up and shove 'em twice
Mixin' chicken on the roof, ground up with a horse's hoof
Premium bananas are a way to show you won't get far
Track Name: I'm Not Going To Listen To This
{aka "Your Urchin"}

N-A-B-I-S-C-O[*], Nabisco is the name to know
For a taste that can't be beat eat Nabisco shredded wheat
I want to kill everyone, Satan is good, Satan is our pal
[*sometimes "N-A-B-A-S-C-O"]
Track Name: Wild Strawberries Trilogy
Wild Strawberries Trilogy
1. Drive On
2. Float On
3. Kill Me
Track Name: Curtains

The triple cliché is serious
Becomes a joke, another joke, and a reality to me
I think ?????? just fine
but the ???????? goes both ways
But is it curtains?
Track Name: On Old Olympus's Tiny Tops a Fin and German Viewed Some Hops

(On Old Olympus's Tiny Tops A Fin And German Viewed Some Hops)
O is for Olfactory, O is also for Optic and Oculomotor
T is for Trochlear and Trigeminal - that's two Ts, don'tcha know
A is for Abducens
F is for Facial
A is also for Acoustic, and I say "also" because A is for Also Abducens
G is for Glossophary-l-g-h - sorry folks
I've been singin' this song for so long
I still can't pronounce Glosso-f'nab-zip-whatever
V is for Vegas - where do you think we are?
S is for Spinal Accessory
H is for Hypoglossal
Track Name: Bonz

Keep it never down
It's a suddenly, it's an ampersand
It's a suddenly, it's an ampersand
It's a suddenly, it's an ampersand
?? Day shiny sun bright????
on the terra????
Track Name: Hammer the Sunflower

Hammer in the sunflower, clean up your mess
It's mine - I don't belong
??????????mimic?? memory ???? shapes
Don't leave?? it's been so long
You just might know what I'm talkin' about
Or snowball your act into arrested progress
Both sides you can't see - no, you can't see me
2-9-8 on the sunflower seeds
Reality of what my urges needs
2-9-8 on the sunflower seeds
is a dirty slut picnic and a public disease
King of the Drapes, yeah, high flattery
Can't be what you must need
Free Chocolate Milk, yeah, ???????tar fumes stink?
??????????? sow the seeds?
Track Name: Night of the Lepus

Run, run, the rabbits are chasing you down, down
Down in this miniature town, town
Built on the set of this film, film
And don't you know
It's the night, night, night of the rabbits
The bunnies are loose and they're hoppin' for you
In the night, night, night of the rabbits
The bunnies are loose and they're hoppin' for you
Run, run, the cottontail killers have come, come
Come to your town and they're strong, strong
Stronger than you would think
But they're gettin' around...
Track Name: Hyperbowlingtrophy

It's six of one and half a dozen of the other
You make me sick and I make your mother
Hear the drummer at the edge of magic like Hart
Henry Mancini's just a shot in the dark
It may seem like a delusion of G
of which it's just a "thang" or a glorified V
But we kick the sub-glacial on the reservoir tip
With the King Kong haberdasher scientist flip
It may seem hackneyed or odd or banal
Persona non grata in the resin canal
The second-string slobs who just wanna be sedated
But I got more rhymes than your sister that I dated
I got 21 on my first night out
I gave all the winnings to replace the tile grout
And the gossamer devil's in the goulash pot
A Gonzo statue ain't exactly what I got
I got a little shock from the rhythm of your thighs
You laid on my stomach and laughed at the skies
I got a sunburn on my forehead skin
Your honor says get off 'er but I'd rather keep it in
Track Name: Tandem Dog Walk

Walk the Beat Street with sneakers on my feet
and a cigarette hangin' from my lip
A bounce in my walk and a mumble in my talk
and Walkman hangin' on my hip
Just a-boppin' down the road, all the mean people FOAD
No job, no car, no girl
But I got a Duncan Butterfly and I know if I try
I could really go round the world
But you need another yo to do a Tandem Dog Walk
Yes you need another yo for that trick
And if you get bored just bust it in a sock
and wipe on your shirt with your dick
Keep the beat steady and some more tapes ready
with Duke Robillard or John Zorn
The real freaky music or some blues if you use it
or vocals by Buzzo Osbourne
Got a tune, now the moon is lookin' out at high noon
and I'm shakin' my head like a dunce
But with the yo-yo, I got a ways to go
If I ever wanna do two Walk-the-Dogs at once
'Cause you need another yo to do a Tandem Dog Walk
Yes you need another yo for that stunt
And if you get bored of me kissin' your ass
Then turn around and I'll kiss your cunt/front
You need another yo to do a Tandem Dog Walk
Yes you need another yo for that trick
And if you get bored just bust it in a sock
and wipe on your shirt with your dick/prick
Gemini Loops (all you guys are dupes!)
Rock the Baby (don't mean maybe)
Ursa Minor (nothin' finer in the diner)
Double or Nothing (no I ain't bluffing)
Track Name: MF IN THE P
Motherfuckers in the place better wake up for love
'Cause Egg is on the mic and I'm straight outta OV
That's Orangevale for the uninformed and the ignorant bliss
[gotta call time on the rhyme?]???
Back to the topic of the day (to my dismay)
To the town with more "hic"s than a drunk
And more fools that can say more punk to the funk????????
And no coin-ops to play - so we say
Motherfuckers in the place, yeah
Get outta this town (now)
Motherfuckers in the place (huunh!)
We're gonna rip this mothafucka down (ow!)
Motherfuckers in the place (yo!)
We'll be livin' here for years
So get outta this place or be bored to tears
Now it's Orangevale, home of Pow Wow Days
The manure's in the air and we soak up UV rays
Sweatin' in the back of a pickup truck
'Cause we're [down to our ride] and down on our luck
So we kick it inside and we come out at dark
We head out for "action" at the nearest park
We drive around in circles, clockin' down mileage
So get the car and drive off the Rainbow Bridge
Y'never seen so many ham-n-eggers sit together
Or so many horny teens, they gettin' light as chicken feathers
Track Name: The Man's Song

Seaman cabman clubman subman tubman headman lead man mad man odd man bandman sandman bondman hodman woodman rodman wardman birdman iceman freeman cageman bargeman brakeman lineman tapeman fireman wireman shoreman horseman Norseman flagman ragman dragman swagman pegman yeggman Hangman songman cogman tugman coachman Welchman ranchman henchman Frenchman churchman watchman witchman Scotchman Dutchman ploughman freshman Welshman Bushman Northman packman checkman lockman stockman milkman bankman bookman workman oilman bellman billman millman tollman pullman schoolman penman Trainman gunman yeoman capman chapman shipman tipman shopman topman barman carman spearman merman airman floorman beadsman headsman leadsman oddsman bandsman landsman bondsman woodsman guardsman herdsman swordsman tribesman tradesman spokesman salesman talesman dolesman shoresman statesman dragsman Gangsman marksman bailsman spoilsman almsman helmsman groomsman clansman kinsman townsman oarsman passman messman pressman batsman craftsman draftsman yachtsman huntsman Scotsman sportsman batman meatman boatman pitman foorman postman crewman bowman cowman showman plowman cayman layman playman drayman wayman flyman.

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