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Wunder Hassle

by Theophagus

RIGOR MORTIS SONG I knew there would be something, somewhere... SOMEONE would reward us When we got our shit tight and found someone to record us They’d cut us up and burn us down and chop us out and snort us Full of vim and vigor, rigor mortis! We’ll be on the pad two years before you think to launch us Second-guessing everything remotely thought subconscious They blew our raunch asunder underneath false-teeth-clitoris Full of women-diggers, rigor mortis! When we fully understood the hare and the tortoise Everything appeared the same, and subsequently bored us The middlemen unloaded cuz they couldn’t quite afford us So we paid her later Found her with a flounder And an urchin, searchin’ For a bigger Rigor MORTIS!
Miniblues 00:30
PALISADES ROCK I got a woman, she gotta talk Strong like cumin, dry like chalk Solid as a rock, sock-a my roll Watchin’ her walk is takin’ a toll There’s nothing in my head but some other body parts She’ll give me early dead but we’re like the queen of hearts and jack of spades Back in the grades, been so long since Palisades I done wrong, cumin is strong Laid me maids - I’ll get along
POISON PAPER Little Michael Henry with the dark glasses died at Garranbaun So far from SoHo with his last Soiled Kimono, death lives on Take me home, Dr. Jesus, take me home, home Paint the scene in Evergreen with the Octoroon Blues Ramona, Holly and Phoebe and yellow Capezio* shoes * PRONUNCIATION=LOL
Bored Silly 01:30
BORED SILLY I have begun, so add to the son A disclaimer to his last name But listen to me, with your wet LSD 'Cause parentheses aren't my game If you don't seem to be on the team There's a plateful of steam on the way 'Cause they're curving in space And serving your face with a floridly horrid bouquet Don't twist my arm, just buy me a farm And crack an egg into your beer 'Cause I'm feeling weak But I've got an oblique cildenafil citrate career My dialect says walking erect Will never effect how I grow Just give me more time, I'll kill every lime And maintain the prime status quo Lend me an ear - stand thirty feet clear For a trivial tale's being sung Don't fear disease or look for your keys 'Cause only good trees young I found a rill to fill with a spill Teeming with strong will and poise But the bouquet will soar when you touch the floor And sound out a most joyous noise
WORLD WAR ZERO Slo-motion road rage I cannot say I’m not a fan; my aching fingers grab a can of old underage To put the color in my coat You roll a drunk and rock the boat Jam jam jam, your mind and gams, disease and news: these things you choose to spread Adorn the cage What is changing hands with you is something I could never do Turning the stage The real meaning then appears when ravaging a hundred ears
Stonedblues 00:55
wetshecat 01:51
WETSHECAT I hate to say I’m on the take, I think I made a big mistake Don’t do that or I’ll do this, I’m the one you miss wetshecat don’t be like this cuz you’re the one I miss I took the twice-340 South just to live inside your mouth Your prickly pear smells more like peach Translate “heaven between my teeth” This room is just so fucking freezing ...why do I feel like I should be leaving?
POOP ON A STICK I'm riding a bug with poop on a stick It makes him go faster It makes him go faster The bug is my carriage and poop is his carrot For I am his master For I am his master And the man who invented the minefield (if it was, in fact, a HE) I'm sure he didn't mean for it to be such an analogy but perhaps an analogous strategy
BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS (BOOT TO THE FACE) This song's about a guy who always speaks his mind Even when obscuring every word Wildfire brain and a body left behind Shufflin' like a flightless bird This song's for everyone who wrote this song before Even if they sang a different rhyme In concert we improvise the score Real-time playback all the time This song's for all the demons lurking in the wings Their friends are always beautiful, it's true But that's just one of the following things: 1. That's just the tread on the boot to the head. 2. That's just the lace in the boot to the face. 3. That's the steel toe in that boot, don't'cha know. And don't'cha know, that boot is headed right for you.
AMANDA BARITONE You're all that jazz and my girl says so too Had I the nerve I would get to know you Me and my girl, we could fight all the way home over you Amanda Baritone
OREGON'S GONE Mornin' on the floor again I bought the liquor store again A-dreamin' 'bout the Oregon sky I picked up my telephone, it's old Jimmy Two-Tone Lyin' 'bout how he's bone-dry You can tell - the way he talks - he had his dinner on the rocks And he's sleepin' in an ice box now Lookin' for an old friend, but I ain't got no love to spend And I'm too far from Oregon now My thirst is second only to hunger When you got nothin', pity's free And that crow's not getting any younger So I guess I'll put him out of his misery Got up off the lino I knew that there would be no vodka-Pelligrino drink Got a green recycle bin to put all of m'memories in Told my troubles to the tin sink
POISON PAPER Little Michael Henry with the dark glasses died at Garranbaun So far from SoHo with his last Soiled Kimono, death lives on Take me home, Dr. Jesus, take me home, home Paint the scene in Evergreen with the Octoroon Blues Ramona, Holly and Phoebe and yellow Capezio* shoes * PRONUNCIATION=LOL
Oasis=Mirage 02:26
OASIS=MIRAGE Stickin’ to my story like a morning allegory but I don’t allow a freedom of choice No way, sis - my brother weighs a ton An oasis behind each ev’ry one What’s the story, boring glory? Glory hole, what’s the deal? Pain is undetected but the paths have intersected In the village is a spillage of voice
I'M A GENIUS TOO, OK? The brain of Brian was fryin’ in the endless summer sun When radiance fades o’er the decades Who’s going to be the one wonderful? But what do I know? But what do I know? In my room playin’, what he’s sayin’, it’s funny but so sad An earlier reel made me feel that pity for his dad But what do I know? But what do I know?
Quad 04:24
QUAD I’m getting bad reception but I never got the wedding That (of course) is par but I don’t recall giving a heading And you know that shotgun dress was just the end of her bloodletting So I had myself a grand time found myself at off-track betting and I’ll do it again The little white lie in my spellcheck is the ramblin’ wreck from Georgia Tech and I’ll be satisfied with the way you used to be Pep squad quad finally got the fear of god Off the brake and on the gas, I gave it all a rest And that sodding, plodding wait is done and I got it off my chest I’m just so through with the role of fool I played (close to the vest) But I know, too, that what I’m gonna do is what a fool would do the best And now that little white lie in my spillcheek is the Earth that inherits the corpse of the meek And you’ll be satisfied with the way I used to be Pep squad quad finally got the fear of god Kind of like the opposite of chemical restraint
Dirt-Doer 01:42
DIRT-DOER 44 shots straight to the dome Handin' out plots like a funeral home What do you mean I don't save the earth? I do! ...by killin' you suckas and your worthless crew You say your shit's fat, but my girth is true I fucked your mother in the ass And she gave birth to you Rollin' in my hooptie bucket dirt-doer Smoke them and dump the body in the sewer I'm in the house (without any walls) One hand got the mic and the other got my balls [WORD!]
YOUR EYES APPEAR LIKE THOSE OF DEER UNMOVING IN THE LANE The Fuckerfasta family is coming up the chain And let me state - I don't relate to accident-prone trains And while you're hear, I'll lend an ear to hear your fear explained The Fuckerfasta family is moving up the chain
FUCKING UNDER THE INFLUENCE The salad days are just a phase, but I'm amazed you've landed Her gloomy gaze forever stays; for many days I'm stranded If I un-drink, I do not think an industrial sink is too big The missing link is flashin' pink Her mink, it stink Just call me "Fuck Pig" (F.U.I.!) Just call me "Fuck Pig" (F.U.I.!) I'd refute, but it is moot and it isn't cute to think of My clown suit, my poot salute - the polar route to fallin' in love If I un-drink, I do not think an industrial sink is too big The missing link is flashin' pink Her mink, it stink Just call me "Fuck Pig" (F.U.I.!) Just call me "Fuck Pig" (F.U.I.!) La la la la
WORLD'S GREATEST WORLD How can I describe this night without describing the clouds? (fat with rain, black and wet) Looking for the comfort that so many find in crowds even though comfort is a prodigal debt At this point I'll take all I can get But it's the greatest, ya gotta love it ...no, really, you do - I can prove it scientifically Prove it to you Flyin' to the light like a geriatric moth, got me feelin' none too wise Lookin' for the safety just so I can take it off and that's when I got the news across my widened eyes there's a fall every time there's a rise Wispy pixies with their baby-bellies full a' margarita Bankin' on a brain with no brakes But it's still a two-seater And I'd never felt so sober as I did at the end of October
Frequena 03:18
DENIM EPIPHANY Reflections in the whiskey spilled on the bar Showed a man who had used up his time The wife and the kids took off in my car And I just shot down my last dime Then the door to the bar swung open wide and a cold gust of wind blew in from outside I started whistlin' "Here Comes The Bride" when she walked in A siren was she, with fire in her hair and a painted-on denim physique A honky-tonk heartbreaker with lust to spare and a ten-gallon tweek of the week She took off her coat and brushed back her locks and then she bent over the old jukebox I breathlessly ordered a scotch on the rocks and a chaser of sin Then a voice said, "You're hitchin' a hell ride!" and a vision in the stitchin' of her backside On her jeans of blue the yellow threads grew into a picture... ...of JESUS!!! I SAW CHRIST IN YOUR JEANS!!!! I SAW CHRIST IN YOUR JEANS!!!! ...last night
THEOPHAGYBLUES Jesus Mary & Joseph just stepped off of the elevator One more for the road...



THEOPHAGUS is the name of the solo songwriting/recording project I began at around age 16. From 1992-2002 I recorded roughly 100 hours of material, most of it on my Yamaha MT8X 8-track cassette recorder.

This is the third in a series of archival collections - each one is about an hour long. Every song has been redigitized, rebuilt, remixed, and remastered directly from the original cassettes.

(While we at Optical Pies Recorders have made every effort possible to heighten and augment the fidelity, the quality in places might seem lacking. Probably because I was a teenager and recorded everything through crappy distortion and phaser pedals.)


released July 14, 2015


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TrashCanEagle Sacramento, California

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