Wunder Hassle

by Theophagus

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03:18
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about

{TCE-041}

THEOPHAGUS is the name of the solo songwriting/recording project I began at around age 16. From 1992-2002 I recorded roughly 100 hours of material, most of it on my Yamaha MT8X 8-track cassette recorder.

This is the third in a series of archival collections - each one is about an hour long. Every song has been redigitized, rebuilt, remixed, and remastered directly from the original cassettes.

(While we at Optical Pies Recorders have made every effort possible to heighten and augment the fidelity, the quality in places might seem lacking. Probably because I was a teenager and recorded everything through crappy distortion and phaser pedals.)

credits

released July 14, 2015

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TrashCanEagle Sacramento, California

Official label of XOC* and friends


* one of those video game music guys

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Track Name: Rigor Mortis Song
RIGOR MORTIS SONG

I knew there would be something, somewhere...
SOMEONE would reward us
When we got our shit tight and found someone to record us
They’d cut us up and burn us down and chop us out and snort us
Full of vim and vigor, rigor mortis!
We’ll be on the pad two years before you think to launch us
Second-guessing everything remotely thought subconscious
They blew our raunch asunder underneath false-teeth-clitoris
Full of women-diggers, rigor mortis!
When we fully understood the hare and the tortoise
Everything appeared the same, and subsequently bored us
The middlemen unloaded cuz they couldn’t quite afford us
So we paid her later
Found her with a flounder
And an urchin, searchin’
For a bigger
Rigor
MORTIS!
Track Name: Palisades Rock
PALISADES ROCK

I got a woman, she gotta talk
Strong like cumin, dry like chalk
Solid as a rock, sock-a my roll
Watchin’ her walk is takin’ a toll
There’s nothing in my head but some other body parts
She’ll give me early dead
but we’re like the queen of hearts and jack of spades
Back in the grades, been so long since Palisades
I done wrong, cumin is strong
Laid me maids - I’ll get along
Track Name: Poison Paper [acoustic]
POISON PAPER

Little Michael Henry with the dark glasses died at Garranbaun
So far from SoHo with his last Soiled Kimono, death lives on
Take me home, Dr. Jesus, take me home, home
Paint the scene in Evergreen with the Octoroon Blues
Ramona, Holly and Phoebe and yellow Capezio* shoes

* PRONUNCIATION=LOL
Track Name: Bored Silly
BORED SILLY

I have begun, so add to the son
A disclaimer to his last name
But listen to me, with your wet LSD
'Cause parentheses aren't my game
If you don't seem to be on the team
There's a plateful of steam on the way
'Cause they're curving in space
And serving your face with a floridly horrid bouquet
Don't twist my arm, just buy me a farm
And crack an egg into your beer
'Cause I'm feeling weak
But I've got an oblique cildenafil citrate career
My dialect says walking erect
Will never effect how I grow
Just give me more time, I'll kill every lime
And maintain the prime status quo
Lend me an ear - stand thirty feet clear
For a trivial tale's being sung
Don't fear disease or look for your keys
'Cause only good trees young
I found a rill to fill with a spill
Teeming with strong will and poise
But the bouquet will soar when you touch the floor
And sound out a most joyous noise
Track Name: World War Zero
WORLD WAR ZERO

Slo-motion road rage
I cannot say I’m not a fan;
my aching fingers grab a can of old underage
To put the color in my coat
You roll a drunk and rock the boat
Jam jam jam, your mind and gams, disease and news:
these things you choose to spread
Adorn the cage
What is changing hands with you is something I could never do
Turning the stage
The real meaning then appears when ravaging a hundred ears
Track Name: wetshecat
WETSHECAT

I hate to say I’m on the take, I think I made a big mistake
Don’t do that or I’ll do this, I’m the one you miss
wetshecat don’t be like this cuz you’re the one I miss
I took the twice-340 South just to live inside your mouth
Your prickly pear smells more like peach
Translate “heaven between my teeth”
This room is just so fucking freezing
...why do I feel like I should be leaving?
Track Name: Poop on a Stick
POOP ON A STICK

I'm riding a bug with poop on a stick
It makes him go faster
It makes him go faster
The bug is my carriage and poop is his carrot
For I am his master
For I am his master
And the man who invented the minefield
(if it was, in fact, a HE)
I'm sure he didn't mean for it to be
such an analogy
but perhaps an analogous strategy
Track Name: Beautiful Friends (Boot to the Face)
BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS (BOOT TO THE FACE)

This song's about a guy who always speaks his mind
Even when obscuring every word
Wildfire brain and a body left behind
Shufflin' like a flightless bird
This song's for everyone who wrote this song before
Even if they sang a different rhyme
In concert we improvise the score
Real-time playback all the time
This song's for all the demons lurking in the wings
Their friends are always beautiful, it's true
But that's just one of the following things:
1. That's just the tread on the boot to the head.
2. That's just the lace in the boot to the face.
3. That's the steel toe in that boot, don't'cha know.
And don't'cha know, that boot is headed right for you.
Track Name: Amanda Baritone
AMANDA BARITONE

You're all that jazz and my girl says so too
Had I the nerve I would get to know you
Me and my girl, we could fight all the way home over you
Amanda Baritone
Track Name: Oregon's Gone
OREGON'S GONE

Mornin' on the floor again
I bought the liquor store again
A-dreamin' 'bout the Oregon sky
I picked up my telephone, it's old Jimmy Two-Tone
Lyin' 'bout how he's bone-dry
You can tell - the way he talks - he had his dinner on the rocks
And he's sleepin' in an ice box now
Lookin' for an old friend, but I ain't got no love to spend
And I'm too far from Oregon now
My thirst is second only to hunger
When you got nothin', pity's free
And that crow's not getting any younger
So I guess I'll put him out of his misery
Got up off the lino
I knew that there would be no vodka-Pelligrino drink
Got a green recycle bin to put all of m'memories in
Told my troubles to the tin sink
Track Name: Poison Paper [electric]
POISON PAPER

Little Michael Henry with the dark glasses died at Garranbaun
So far from SoHo with his last Soiled Kimono, death lives on
Take me home, Dr. Jesus, take me home, home
Paint the scene in Evergreen with the Octoroon Blues
Ramona, Holly and Phoebe and yellow Capezio* shoes

* PRONUNCIATION=LOL
Track Name: Oasis=Mirage
OASIS=MIRAGE

Stickin’ to my story like a morning allegory
but I don’t allow a freedom of choice
No way, sis - my brother weighs a ton
An oasis behind each ev’ry one
What’s the story, boring glory?
Glory hole, what’s the deal?
Pain is undetected but the paths have intersected
In the village is a spillage of voice
Track Name: I'm a Genius Too, OK?
I'M A GENIUS TOO, OK?

The brain of Brian was fryin’ in the endless summer sun
When radiance fades o’er the decades
Who’s going to be the one wonderful?
But what do I know? But what do I know?
In my room playin’, what he’s sayin’, it’s funny but so sad
An earlier reel made me feel that pity for his dad
But what do I know? But what do I know?
Track Name: Quad
QUAD

I’m getting bad reception
but I never got the wedding
That (of course) is par
but I don’t recall giving a heading
And you know that shotgun dress
was just the end of her bloodletting
So I had myself a grand time
found myself at off-track betting
and I’ll do it again
The little white lie in my spellcheck
is the ramblin’ wreck from Georgia Tech
and I’ll be satisfied with the way you used to be
Pep squad quad finally got the fear of god
Off the brake and on the gas, I gave it all a rest
And that sodding, plodding wait is done
and I got it off my chest
I’m just so through with the role of fool
I played (close to the vest)
But I know, too, that what I’m gonna do
is what a fool would do the best
And now that little white lie in my spillcheek
is the Earth that inherits the corpse of the meek
And you’ll be satisfied with the way I used to be
Pep squad quad finally got the fear of god
Kind of like the opposite of chemical restraint
Track Name: Dirt-Doer
DIRT-DOER

44 shots straight to the dome
Handin' out plots like a funeral home
What do you mean I don't save the earth? I do!
...by killin' you suckas and your worthless crew
You say your shit's fat, but my girth is true
I fucked your mother in the ass
And she gave birth to you
Rollin' in my hooptie bucket dirt-doer
Smoke them and dump the body in the sewer
I'm in the house (without any walls)
One hand got the mic
and the other got my balls
[WORD!]
Track Name: Your Eyes Appear Like Those of Deer Unmoving in the Lane
YOUR EYES APPEAR LIKE THOSE OF DEER UNMOVING IN THE LANE

The Fuckerfasta family is coming up the chain
And let me state - I don't relate to accident-prone trains
And while you're hear, I'll lend an ear
to hear your fear explained
The Fuckerfasta family is moving up the chain
Track Name: Fucking Under the Influence
FUCKING UNDER THE INFLUENCE

The salad days are just a phase, but I'm amazed
you've landed
Her gloomy gaze forever stays; for many days
I'm stranded
If I un-drink, I do not think an industrial sink
is too big
The missing link is flashin' pink
Her mink, it stink
Just call me "Fuck Pig" (F.U.I.!)
Just call me "Fuck Pig" (F.U.I.!)
I'd refute, but it is moot and it isn't cute
to think of
My clown suit, my poot salute - the polar route
to fallin' in love
If I un-drink, I do not think an industrial sink
is too big
The missing link is flashin' pink
Her mink, it stink
Just call me "Fuck Pig" (F.U.I.!)
Just call me "Fuck Pig" (F.U.I.!)
La la la la
Track Name: World's Greatest World
WORLD'S GREATEST WORLD

How can I describe this night
without describing the clouds?
(fat with rain, black and wet)
Looking for the comfort that so many find in crowds
even though comfort is a prodigal debt
At this point I'll take all I can get
But it's the greatest, ya gotta love it
...no, really, you do - I can prove it scientifically
Prove it to you
Flyin' to the light like a geriatric moth,
got me feelin' none too wise
Lookin' for the safety just so I can take it off
and that's when I got the news across my widened eyes
there's a fall every time there's a rise
Wispy pixies with their baby-bellies full a' margarita
Bankin' on a brain with no brakes
But it's still a two-seater
And I'd never felt so sober as I did at the end of October
Track Name: Denim Epiphany
DENIM EPIPHANY

Reflections in the whiskey spilled on the bar
Showed a man who had used up his time
The wife and the kids took off in my car
And I just shot down my last dime
Then the door to the bar swung open wide
and a cold gust of wind blew in from outside
I started whistlin' "Here Comes The Bride"
when she walked in
A siren was she, with fire in her hair
and a painted-on denim physique
A honky-tonk heartbreaker with lust to spare
and a ten-gallon tweek of the week
She took off her coat and brushed back her locks
and then she bent over the old jukebox
I breathlessly ordered a scotch on the rocks
and a chaser of sin
Then a voice said, "You're hitchin' a hell ride!"
and a vision in the stitchin' of her backside
On her jeans of blue
the yellow threads grew
into a picture...
...of JESUS!!!
I SAW CHRIST IN YOUR JEANS!!!!
I SAW CHRIST IN YOUR JEANS!!!!
...last night
Track Name: Theophagyblues
THEOPHAGYBLUES

Jesus Mary & Joseph just stepped off of the elevator
One more for the road...