Teenage Mutant Home Recording

by Theophagus

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about

{TCE-037}

THEOPHAGUS is the name of the solo songwriting/recording project I began at around age 16. From 1992-2002 I recorded roughly 100 hours of material, most of it on my Yamaha MT8X 8-track cassette recorder.

This is the first in an intended series of archival collections. Every song has been redigitized, rebuilt, remixed, and remastered directly from the original cassettes.

(Please note that while we at Optical Pies Recorders have made every effort possible to heighten and augment the fidelity, the quality in places might seem lacking. Probably because I was a teenager and recorded everything through crappy distortion and phaser pedals.)

credits

released July 1, 2015

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Official label of XOC* and friends


* one of those video game music guys

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Track Name: Coffin Conga
COFFIN CONGA

You'll have it made in the shade, and not afraid of the blade
If you'd obeyed the grade like me
The grim reaper is blowin' up my beeper as I'm being pulled out to sea
But I don't really a have a pager, my accord is never major
And you'll have already made your plans
For when that major chord is sounded 'round the circuit found ungrounded
I'll just smolder for the suckers in the stands

Maybe I've just got a cold in my heart - but that's not a phrase I would use
I'm hangin' loose in a noose, 'cause when I play the game, I lose

I've said it better before - "sovrabbondanza amore"
And money's not just a store or a tree
I got syndrome, so welcome to the Sarah-dome and vitamins that rhyme with me
Because my ear will never fear 'cause I can hear a tear appear
And I can hear all the kids in Japan
I hear 'em callin' my name, I lose when I play the game
And I'll just smolder for the suckers in the stands

I'm getting ready to jump right into a coffin
My brain is saying, "OK, it's time to die!"
It's not a desperate plea for help, it's just a desperate plea for death
So don't twist my arm, 'cause I got my eye on a farm that I'm willing to buy
Track Name: Trainwreck-In-Law
TRAINWRECK-IN-LAW

He was a disheveled gamer, a bulging pudding container
We called him Grimace Pontoon, beat down one day afternoon
His girl was ripe off of Boone's
She'd be right there with a spoon
Don't know what he did to tame her
But she's my sister so I couldn't really blame her
Were we inside, you'd get a free ride to the moon
It was a trainwreck

I was a bent walking boner, head full of copier toner
And all I wanted was mine - I had to sign on the line
The ink was bloodied with wine
I said, "hey, thanks for the vine"
He thought I was just a stoner
But I got even on an afternoon drive phoner
I said, "eezus-jay eist-kray, it's a sign!"
It was a trainwreck

We called it "Idiot Whaling" or "Putting Grease on the Railing"
And that triangular beak, it got me sick for a week
But right before I could speak I saw the car in the creek
And then I knew it was sailing - not exactly smooth
But every penny spent in tailing was my back rent
But it was well spent on that freak
Track Name: Beautiful Buoy
[originally part of the "Delayed Reaction" medley]
lyrics = ??
Track Name: Stranded & Drinkin'
STRANDED AND DRINKIN'

The bone in my iced tea tells me I'm sinkin'
Wit's end, stranded and drinkin'
The poor grammatics herein tell me I'm shakin'
Whips and chains in my retention, stranded and drinkin'
Track Name: Praise the Load
PRAISE THE LOAD

Another dump truck, another mean suck
Another dry well, another hard sell
Another dump truck, another mean suck
Another dry well, another heart cell
Track Name: Throw Up Feathers
THROW UP FEATHERS

Angel's broken face
Power issue of gold
Mutual sadness, mutual despair
Wasted happiness
Post-mortem compromise
Pissin' in the wind
Instant deconstruction
Where did I go wrong? Where did I go wrong?
The joke is that there is no joke
Where did I go wrong?
Turn and leave
Want, I want, inept pity
Throw up all the glitter
Where did I go wrong? Where did I go wrong?
Track Name: Elephantine
ELEPHANTINE

Show me the men who would quickly
Attend to this archetypal renegade
My face becomes placid, my mouth fills with acid
My temples throb a deeper shade
And when it's all done with, I block out the sun
With the prospect of a night alone
Baby's first communion at my class reunion
A pistol and a megaphone

Oh, but it's hell when they dance upon your head
Lyin' in a bed that you built
Oh, but it's hell when they steam shovel your grave
And heaven always saves up all the guilt

Keep your words economic, don't be a prop comic
We've seen that M.O. go sour
A mobile roadblock, I stared at the sidewalk
And after I ran towards the tower
The birds flew off southbound
The words wrote themselves down
And in that instant of distortion:
A) the hollow in Smallhall;
B) the "156" ball; [and]
C) a climax of elephantine proportion.
Track Name: No Lip Blues
NO LIP BLUES

Don't gimme no lip now, baby
I said, I don't wanna hear from you no more
[unintelligible]
I said, I don't wanna see no lip no more
I said, baby don't give me no lip now
No more
If you try to give me that lip now, baby
I'm gonna kick y'out the motherfuck bitch-ass door
[unintelligible]
I don't want no lip no more, mo-mo-mo-mo-mo-more
I said, just don't gimme no lip now, baby
I said, I don't want your lip no more
Aaaauuhh
Your lip is the last - the last thing I need from you, woman -
I said, your lip is the last thing I need from you right now
Oh, please believe me, if you was going to get me anything
Lip would be the last thing I want from you
If we was openin' Christmas presents, and I found some lip in the box, I...
I'd say, "This is the last thing I need.
I don't need lip from nothin'... 'specially not from you."
I don't want no lip from you bitc--
Track Name: Sick in the Head
SICK IN THE HEAD

Where do you go at the end of the day,
when everything sweet has rotted away?
Do people redeem you or wish you were dead?
Sick in the head
Do you drink from her shoe, or a faucet outside?
Do you declare murder while wearing their hide?
Do you wish sometimes you could take back what you said?
Sick in the head

[originally part of the "Delayed Reaction" medley]
Track Name: Hello Cancer
aka "Your Lucky Color is Brown"
Track Name: Like How How Like
LIKE HOW HOW LIKE

Like the moss has the stone
Like the glass has been blown
Like the traffic has a cone
Like her hair holds a bone
Like the mine needs to explode
Like the stop sign needs the road
Like the padlock has a code
Like the dock receives its load
How the load lands on the dock
How the code opens the lock
How the road stops at the sign
How explosions need a mine
How the bone weaves through her hair
How the cone keeps traffic there
How the glass holds Beaujolais
How the stone can't roll away
Track Name: Flight of the Beer Birds
FLIGHT OF THE BEER BIRDS

Wish I had an old surfboard
Flight of the beer birds
Something made them feel bored
Ohhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhh
Trip-trip-trip-trip-trip-FLY
Birds in flight
Rotate the plane of polarization of light
Trip-trip-trip-trip-trip-FLY
So-pretty-so-pretty-so-pretty-so-pretty-so-pretty-ohh-oo-wohhhhhhhh (etc.)
So pretty tonight
I prodded them into this
They're up the beach
And the stars and the sandy kiss
Crystallography and serendipity
Track Name: Hijo de Puta
HIJO DE PUTA

Es rica muy loco, hecho en Mexico
hijo de puta, mi amor

[originally part of the "Delayed Reaction" medley]
Track Name: Harassing the Lamb
HARASSING THE LAMB

Kill the tempter with one quick blow
The air is tight and short
Telepathic itch we all know
But I'll never be said
Keep your eyes down
Harassing the lamb
Tongue on cloth and falling block has killed the horses dead
Telepathic itch we all know
There will always be shame in the sport
Keep your eyes down
Track Name: Brisk Nature
BRISK NATURE

The air is of a very brisk nature
Track Name: Tuna Sweet
TUNA SWEET
[FOR P.C. ...IN MY DREAMS]

The movers and shakers, they all look like Quakers
Another premonition
I got quite a surge when they fired up that dirge
Tuna sweet and finger foods
Tuna sweet and finger foods
Gone was the shrub'ry to aid in recovery
Another premonition
My dream was the scene when I laid her down clean
Tuna sweet and finger foods
Tuna sweet and nocturnal moods
Reality was so cold
So she laid a towel across me
This conversation's getting old
Somewhere back there you lost me
Track Name: Fake Poem
FAKE POEM

(This is a fake poem. The real poem is every third word,
in reverse order, starting with the word "take.")
I say... either would do.
One who isn't real is
becoming
the "is" that "isn't".
Listen to this:
In my head I got some words.
I get up, every crack of dawn --
some lost, ancient smoke drifts -- a
'game' of dodge ball, playing with
the SOLE INTENT to knock you
out.
I give ME ... and
YOU take too much.
Track Name: Protein Decomposition (The Fuel Song)
PROTEIN DECOMPOSITION (THE FUEL SONG)

Watch me walk and try to speak
The words come out all wrong to me
The victim of the rumblin' stage
The fuel--

[originally part of the "Delayed Reaction" medley]
Track Name: Agony of Defeat
AGONY OF DEFEAT

I've heard it said that "it's now or never"
But man, this "never"'s lasting for forever
Why won't it come to pass
that the draining of the glass will be complete?
Looking for the agony of defeat
Track Name: TINASAYmomTIASAYbitch
TINA SAY MOM - TIA SAY BITCH

This is not a song about your mom
This is a song about you, bitch!
DIE DIE DIE
Track Name: Secondary Marmoset
SECONDARY MARMOSET

I'm devoluting while I'm barbequing deep in space
I've got a pencil holder Velcro-taped onto my waist
A secondary marmoset is manning the TV
and backups of the fatware should be coming to see me
Backups and backups and backups of fatware
Track Name: Poster Child
POSTER CHILD

My beautiful people of Columbia
Everything seems so contrived and prepared
Leading a trail to the Buddha
And I found out it was all the same there
Next to the stage in a rainstorm
I got inspired and I got wet
Everybody tried to stop the rainstorm
So many candles, I put it on wax
Animal crackers is what it takes
Finish off old wine
Keys are for brand-new skates
Alone together, alone of my time
Track Name: Eel
EEL

Now that it's over, it's only beginning
No need for polite
Twist the dimmer on your love light
Long time, high C
You're completely dead to me
You can come over and say how you're winning
And hand me a mess
Make me listen to your witless
Long time, high C
You're completely dead to me
Track Name: Alma Mater
ALMA MATER

Stay away from the bad place in the woods
Stay away lest you become damaged goods
Lest you be--
Track Name: One Endless All
ONE ENDLESS ALL

Pardon my ass if I appear to be rude
It's only because I've come back here to be chewed
We're talkin' existential
You can taste you on me 'cause we're all dog food
A most unpleasant return from a pier to a cube
We're talkin' existential
Track Name: Alma Mater II: The Petty Fuck-Trophy
ALMA MATER II: THE PETTY FUCK-TROPHY

Petty abuse isn't helping
Your power belongs to yourself
Deaf to the small puppies yelping
or a trophy to put on your shelf
Track Name: God For Rent
GOD FOR RENT

When I went to pay my rent, the check I wrote 'em bounced
Every god I followed subsequently was denounced
Track Name: She's Enduring Me
SHE'S ENDURING ME

I've been destroyed and built back up
Unnaturally (she's enduring me)
My brain is drowning from holding back tears
Internally (she's enduring me)
An empty shotgun on a useless stretch of road
It's topography (she's enduring me)
North Coast mist on a tourist from the past
Naturally (she's enduring me)
Track Name: Lowercase
LOWERCASE

Ooh hoo no
And the PAIN! that I feel in the wilkers,
a-roany side a-walkin nair onto mon
...any say sure when
Track Name: Relaxed Raga Snork Collage
RELAXED RAGA SNORK COLLAGE

In a dream I was flyin', omnipotent and floatin'
Down the mountains to giant wood and stucco house
It was off of Mulholland and my destiny was callin'
Thru the double doors to the grubby chamber there
You can jam in the garage, but I've just got to hear
The fabled Relaxed Raga Snork Collage

Number 18 of god knows how many, appearing between
The blood unit master and "god, I see god"
Rustic protrusion, I'm chrome-plated cruisin' to the sounds
Of what could be my favorite song: Moody piano, very boss in stereo
(Supposedly -- or so I hear -- and I just never might)
Track Name: You're Not My Mom
YOU'RE NOT MY MOM

Louie's mom says I gotta eat the food she's laid out
Louie's mom says that Louie ain't no good, anyhow
Louie's mom says the children of GOD clean their plates off
Louie's mom says I'm never sleeping over again

[unintelligible]* - never again, bitch!

Louie's mom is the biggest bitch that I've ever met
Louie's mom is the reason for all Louie's pain
Louie's mom is the reason Louie's dad is so shiftless
Louie's mom is the reason that I'm leavin' today

* I lost the lyrics
Track Name: Smiling Wizard Assault
SMILING WIZARD ASSAULT

Minding all the while the smiling medieval wizards
The smiling medieval wizards

[originally part of the "Delayed Reaction" medley]
Track Name: Saanen Hock Chevon
SAANEN HOCK CHEVON

I could jump from the top of a building
with my face washed clean
Our eyes would meet
You'd fall for me then
Love at first sight, all the way down
I could rip out all of my I.V.s with both my lovin' arms
You'd see my point
You'd love me again
Love at first sight, to the very end
This is not the ensemble I had in mind
But I do it the same ev'ry fuckin' time
The title is irrelevant, it's still the same fuckin' song
That's why I called it somethin' stupid
Like "Saanen Hock Chevon"
If I could just put down this pen...
Track Name: Mon Heifer
MON HEIFER

Lyin' in the grass with a bikini on
You are mon heifer, my cow
Here is my love
Oooohh lyin' in the grass
In the grass, in the grass with a bikini on
You are a big fat cow
But oh, what a cow