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Teenage Mutant Home Recording

by Theophagus

Coffin Conga 02:19
COFFIN CONGA You'll have it made in the shade, and not afraid of the blade If you'd obeyed the grade like me The grim reaper is blowin' up my beeper as I'm being pulled out to sea But I don't really a have a pager, my accord is never major And you'll have already made your plans For when that major chord is sounded 'round the circuit found ungrounded I'll just smolder for the suckers in the stands Maybe I've just got a cold in my heart - but that's not a phrase I would use I'm hangin' loose in a noose, 'cause when I play the game, I lose I've said it better before - "sovrabbondanza amore" And money's not just a store or a tree I got syndrome, so welcome to the Sarah-dome and vitamins that rhyme with me Because my ear will never fear 'cause I can hear a tear appear And I can hear all the kids in Japan I hear 'em callin' my name, I lose when I play the game And I'll just smolder for the suckers in the stands I'm getting ready to jump right into a coffin My brain is saying, "OK, it's time to die!" It's not a desperate plea for help, it's just a desperate plea for death So don't twist my arm, 'cause I got my eye on a farm that I'm willing to buy
TRAINWRECK-IN-LAW He was a disheveled gamer, a bulging pudding container We called him Grimace Pontoon, beat down one day afternoon His girl was ripe off of Boone's She'd be right there with a spoon Don't know what he did to tame her But she's my sister so I couldn't really blame her Were we inside, you'd get a free ride to the moon It was a trainwreck I was a bent walking boner, head full of copier toner And all I wanted was mine - I had to sign on the line The ink was bloodied with wine I said, "hey, thanks for the vine" He thought I was just a stoner But I got even on an afternoon drive phoner I said, "eezus-jay eist-kray, it's a sign!" It was a trainwreck We called it "Idiot Whaling" or "Putting Grease on the Railing" And that triangular beak, it got me sick for a week But right before I could speak I saw the car in the creek And then I knew it was sailing - not exactly smooth But every penny spent in tailing was my back rent But it was well spent on that freak
The CEO of OSI is running-- [originally part of the "Delayed Reaction" medley]
STRANDED AND DRINKIN' The bone in my iced tea tells me I'm sinkin' Wit's end, stranded and drinkin' The poor grammatics herein tell me I'm shakin' Whips and chains in my retention, stranded and drinkin'
PRAISE THE LOAD Another dump truck, another mean suck Another dry well, another hard sell Another dump truck, another mean suck Another dry well, another heart cell
THROW UP FEATHERS Angel's broken face Power issue of gold Mutual sadness, mutual despair Wasted happiness Post-mortem compromise Pissin' in the wind Instant deconstruction Where did I go wrong? Where did I go wrong? The joke is that there is no joke Where did I go wrong? Turn and leave Want, I want, inept pity Throw up all the glitter Where did I go wrong? Where did I go wrong?
Elephantine 02:58
ELEPHANTINE Show me the men who would quickly Attend to this archetypal renegade My face becomes placid, my mouth fills with acid My temples throb a deeper shade And when it's all done with, I block out the sun With the prospect of a night alone Baby's first communion at my class reunion A pistol and a megaphone Oh, but it's hell when they dance upon your head Lyin' in a bed that you built Oh, but it's hell when they steam shovel your grave And heaven always saves up all the guilt Keep your words economic, don't be a prop comic We've seen that M.O. go sour A mobile roadblock, I stared at the sidewalk And after I ran towards the tower The birds flew off southbound The words wrote themselves down And in that instant of distortion: A) the hollow in Smallhall; B) the "156" ball; [and] C) a climax of elephantine proportion.
No Lip Blues 01:56
NO LIP BLUES Don't gimme no lip now, baby I said, I don't wanna hear from you no more [unintelligible] I said, I don't wanna see no lip no more I said, baby don't give me no lip now No more If you try to give me that lip now, baby I'm gonna kick y'out the motherfuck bitch-ass door [unintelligible] I don't want no lip no more, mo-mo-mo-mo-mo-more I said, just don't gimme no lip now, baby I said, I don't want your lip no more Aaaauuhh Your lip is the last - the last thing I need from you, woman - I said, your lip is the last thing I need from you right now Oh, please believe me, if you was going to get me anything Lip would be the last thing I want from you If we was openin' Christmas presents, and I found some lip in the box, I... I'd say, "This is the last thing I need. I don't need lip from nothin'... 'specially not from you." I don't want no lip from you bitc--
SICK IN THE HEAD Where do you go at the end of the day, when everything sweet has rotted away? Do people redeem you or wish you were dead? Sick in the head Do you drink from her shoe, or a faucet outside? Do you declare murder while wearing their hide? Do you wish sometimes you could take back what you said? Sick in the head [originally part of the "Delayed Reaction" medley]
Hello Cancer 00:39
aka "Your Lucky Color is Brown"
LIKE HOW HOW LIKE Like the moss has the stone Like the glass has been blown Like the traffic has a cone Like her hair holds a bone Like the mine needs to explode Like the stop sign needs the road Like the padlock has a code Like the dock receives its load How the load lands on the dock How the code opens the lock How the road stops at the sign How explosions need a mine How the bone weaves through her hair How the cone keeps traffic there How the glass holds Beaujolais How the stone can't roll away
FLIGHT OF THE BEER BIRDS Wish I had an old surfboard Flight of the beer birds Something made them feel bored Ohhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhh Trip-trip-trip-trip-trip-FLY Birds in flight Rotate the plane of polarization of light Trip-trip-trip-trip-trip-FLY So-pretty-so-pretty-so-pretty-so-pretty-so-pretty-ohh-oo-wohhhhhhhh (etc.) So pretty tonight I prodded them into this They're up the beach And the stars and the sandy kiss Crystallography and serendipity
Hijo de Puta 00:12
HIJO DE PUTA Es rica muy loco, hecho en Mexico hijo de puta, mi amor [originally part of the "Delayed Reaction" medley]
HARASSING THE LAMB Kill the tempter with one quick blow The air is tight and short Telepathic itch we all know But I'll never be said Keep your eyes down Harassing the lamb Tongue on cloth and falling block has killed the horses dead Telepathic itch we all know There will always be shame in the sport Keep your eyes down
Brisk Nature 01:14
BRISK NATURE The air is of a very brisk nature
Tuna Sweet 02:46
TUNA SWEET [FOR P.C. ...IN MY DREAMS] The movers and shakers, they all look like Quakers Another premonition I got quite a surge when they fired up that dirge Tuna sweet and finger foods Tuna sweet and finger foods Gone was the shrub'ry to aid in recovery Another premonition My dream was the scene when I laid her down clean Tuna sweet and finger foods Tuna sweet and nocturnal moods Reality was so cold So she laid a towel across me This conversation's getting old Somewhere back there you lost me
Fake Poem 02:02
FAKE POEM (This is a fake poem. The real poem is every third word, in reverse order, starting with the word "take.") I say... either would do. One who isn't real is becoming the "is" that "isn't". Listen to this: In my head I got some words. I get up, every crack of dawn -- some lost, ancient smoke drifts -- a 'game' of dodge ball, playing with the SOLE INTENT to knock you out. I give ME ... and YOU take too much.
PROTEIN DECOMPOSITION (THE FUEL SONG) Watch me walk and try to speak The words come out all wrong to me The victim of the rumblin' stage The fuel-- [originally part of the "Delayed Reaction" medley]
AGONY OF DEFEAT I've heard it said that "it's now or never" But man, this "never"'s lasting for forever Why won't it come to pass that the draining of the glass will be complete? Looking for the agony of defeat
TINA SAY MOM - TIA SAY BITCH This is not a song about your mom This is a song about you, bitch! DIE DIE DIE
Mano Pelusa 02:18
SECONDARY MARMOSET I'm devoluting while I'm barbequing deep in space I've got a pencil holder Velcro-taped onto my waist A secondary marmoset is manning the TV and backups of the fatware should be coming to see me Backups and backups and backups of fatware
Poster Child 00:58
POSTER CHILD My beautiful people of Columbia Everything seems so contrived and prepared Leading a trail to the Buddha And I found out it was all the same there Next to the stage in a rainstorm I got inspired and I got wet Everybody tried to stop the rainstorm So many candles, I put it on wax Animal crackers is what it takes Finish off old wine Keys are for brand-new skates Alone together, alone of my time
Eel 00:59
EEL Now that it's over, it's only beginning No need for polite Twist the dimmer on your love light Long time, high C You're completely dead to me You can come over and say how you're winning And hand me a mess Make me listen to your witless Long time, high C You're completely dead to me
Alma Mater 00:14
ALMA MATER Stay away from the bad place in the woods Stay away lest you become damaged goods Lest you be--
ONE ENDLESS ALL Pardon my ass if I appear to be rude It's only because I've come back here to be chewed We're talkin' existential You can taste you on me 'cause we're all dog food A most unpleasant return from a pier to a cube We're talkin' existential
ALMA MATER II: THE PETTY FUCK-TROPHY Petty abuse isn't helping Your power belongs to yourself Deaf to the small puppies yelping or a trophy to put on your shelf
God For Rent 01:14
GOD FOR RENT When I went to pay my rent, the check I wrote 'em bounced Every god I followed subsequently was denounced
Oly 00:29
SHE'S ENDURING ME I've been destroyed and built back up Unnaturally (she's enduring me) My brain is drowning from holding back tears Internally (she's enduring me) An empty shotgun on a useless stretch of road It's topography (she's enduring me) North Coast mist on a tourist from the past Naturally (she's enduring me)
Lowercase 00:18
LOWERCASE Ooh hoo no And the PAIN! that I feel in the wilkers, a-roany side a-walkin nair onto mon ...any say sure when
RELAXED RAGA SNORK COLLAGE In a dream I was flyin', omnipotent and floatin' Down the mountains to giant wood and stucco house It was off of Mulholland and my destiny was callin' Thru the double doors to the grubby chamber there You can jam in the garage, but I've just got to hear The fabled Relaxed Raga Snork Collage Number 18 of god knows how many, appearing between The blood unit master and "god, I see god" Rustic protrusion, I'm chrome-plated cruisin' to the sounds Of what could be my favorite song: Moody piano, very boss in stereo (Supposedly -- or so I hear -- and I just never might)
YOU'RE NOT MY MOM Louie's mom says I gotta eat the food she's laid out Louie's mom says that Louie ain't no good, anyhow Louie's mom says the children of GOD clean their plates off Louie's mom says I'm never sleeping over again [unintelligible]* - never again, bitch! Louie's mom is the biggest bitch that I've ever met Louie's mom is the reason for all Louie's pain Louie's mom is the reason Louie's dad is so shiftless Louie's mom is the reason that I'm leavin' today * I lost the lyrics
SMILING WIZARD ASSAULT Minding all the while the smiling medieval wizards The smiling medieval wizards [originally part of the "Delayed Reaction" medley]
TTXXSS 02:08
SAANEN HOCK CHEVON I could jump from the top of a building with my face washed clean Our eyes would meet You'd fall for me then Love at first sight, all the way down I could rip out all of my I.V.s with both my lovin' arms You'd see my point You'd love me again Love at first sight, to the very end This is not the ensemble I had in mind But I do it the same ev'ry fuckin' time The title is irrelevant, it's still the same fuckin' song That's why I called it somethin' stupid Like "Saanen Hock Chevon" If I could just put down this pen...
Mon Heifer 01:42
MON HEIFER Lyin' in the grass with a bikini on You are mon heifer, my cow Here is my love Oooohh lyin' in the grass In the grass, in the grass with a bikini on You are a big fat cow But oh, what a cow



THEOPHAGUS is the name of the solo songwriting/recording project I began at around age 16. From 1992-2002 I recorded roughly 100 hours of material, most of it on my Yamaha MT8X 8-track cassette recorder.

This is the first in an intended series of archival collections. Every song has been redigitized, rebuilt, remixed, and remastered directly from the original cassettes.

(Please note that while we at Optical Pies Recorders have made every effort possible to heighten and augment the fidelity, the quality in places might seem lacking. Probably because I was a teenager and recorded everything through crappy distortion and phaser pedals.)


released July 1, 2015


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TrashCanEagle Sacramento, California

Official label of XOC* and friends

* one of those video game music guys

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