I Ain't Weird

by Theophagus

/
1.
63-68 B.C. 01:33
63-68 B.C. - Now, listen to me. I'm going to speak softly and clearly. - You know where you're going for lying? - Bleahhbleeuah! - You know where little boys go? (Yes, dad.) They go straight down... - Bleahhbleeuah! - ...and they - their bodies BURN. Do you wanna burn for the rest of your life... - Esshnoaassphaaa. - ...just burning and burning burning, and your body is just burning and you feel... - Tink tink. Tink tink tink (explosion) - ...like burning fire, and your hair is burning, and your eyes are burning... - (snicker) tink tink. Tink tink tink (snicker) Tink tink. - ...No, dad, I don't wanna be burning!! - "Saaaphaasayphoss." And y'say, "what'd he say?" He said, "Kill." - (inhaling noise) Now. See I'm gonna talk to you and I say a lot of things and run around in circles and everything and just pat you on the back and say "how you doin' Cos, how's everything?", see, and you don't see any smoke comin' out of my mouth, right- (exhaling noise) What'd'ya think of that? - Hey, lookit me, I'm on top of the...WEEEEE ohh, ohhh, ohhhh. - And I make the turn, and the guy takes the statue, goes WWOOOOOOAAAAUUUUUGH. SHOOM, OUT! - He set us on fire twice! - You sonofagun... (crashing noises) All over the house... - (explosion) Fire One Torpedo - (explosion)... - Na na na na na na na... - Fire Two - (explosion)... - Na na na na na na na... - Fire Three - (gurgle) - We're out of water, sir. - Na na na na na na na... - Boooooooooo, doooooooo........ REEEEEEEEEEEEE! - (changing radio stations noises) - Reebersack, Hobbersobernsack, and North Bhreeburhabben. - Well, sport, you can'tlotbedgestaggenbrobridgessnygavoh.
2.
In Me Fence 01:32
3.
Harpy 01:42
HARPY Ravenous! Talon-ous! The trunk and the head of a woman that be stealin' my food I never thought about the days when all the myths'd come true And I guess it's just the variables of when you drop dead But I do seem to recall one time when Gibson said: "Wouldn't it be cool if we had flying dogs? If they could cross a sparrow with Chihuahua? Imagine being bitten by a flying dog..." But now I don't think I'll live to see tomorrow Ravenous! Talon-ous! The trunk and the head of a freak of nature born in the past [But realized of man's determination to last?] The "flyin' dog" quote wasn't far off at all But now it's little women flyin' 'round, screechin' their call: "Wouldn't it be cool if we had flying dogs? If they could cross a sparrow with Chihuahua? Imagine being bitten by a flying dog..." But now I don't think I'll live to see tomorrow
4.
INDIGENOUS LINDA I'll never get out of this place An eternal good time not withstanding I just couldn't look at her face She, my guide through hard-time space expanding From a bottomless firepit Came a string of electric lights And the image that came from it Was one of mirth and dying Earth And new wave civil rights A staircase of spiral design Transdimensional confines exploded Ten flights down to the mastermind of a trend that could not be outmoded Seein’ as how I was still alive I entered, riding a brand new knife No one there saw the truck arrive to drive me out The title bout has been here all my life
5.
6.
I AIN'T WEIRD If you think there's an answer deep down in the plumbing If you think it will come You've got another thing coming It's never what you think From when the underhanded had me branded Missing more than a link To the moss and sauce from which you stand across If you think there's a handle even close to your reach If you're using your tips just to take down the bleach Christ knows I ain't weird It's only when you're near the end That you say we've just begun
7.
Filet-O-Fish 01:42
FILET-O-FISH Styrofoam love What are you thinkin' of? Don't you think you've had enough? Pass it back, kick down my stuff Workin' hard Middleman for lard Could you put you in my place - Find the truth behind my face? What have you got for me? [x4] Zombies in uniforms so jaunty Kowtow to their every wish Caving in, you fulfill their want-y Specialty and processed fish What have you got for me? [x4] Trenches deep Lifetime I will keep Feelin' dumb and I'm talkin' loud Put you down and draw a crowd What have you got for me? [x4]
8.
Quite Pegged 02:04
QUITE PEGGED I sit alone in my little garden chair I smoke the days away with filtered nicotine I've let my beard down and birds nest in my hair In the camper, lovin' like I've never seen I love the flowered pathway I lust for living badly My chest is pinching, stabbing--but I'm OK I play my ukelele in the garden chair Propaganda for a land six feet away Muchas personas se están esperando I love the mayonnaise rubdown Take that corn back to whence it came ¿Qué es la abstinencia - When life is just a pastime game?
9.
10.
FLIPPY FLOPPY She want flippy floppy But all I have agape I have no excuse Except her slunt was kinda copy. She want floppy flippy But it was just so trippy It goes to show You never never know So always bet on bippy.
11.
PAINT YOUR BALD SPOT Bald spot, paint your bald spot Bald spot, paint your bald spot Dead eye, Moon Pie, big thigh girl
12.
ROADHOUSE PISSER Jinglin' the keys to the shithouse door In a roadhouse pisser, a roadhouse pisser Jinglin' the keys to the shithouse door In a roadhouse pisser, a roadhouse pisser Her lovin' gonna make my ribcage into a xylophone Her lovin' gonna make my ribcage into a xylophone Knees on the tile and my head in the bowl In a roadhouse pisser, a roadhouse pisser Knees on the tile and my head in the bowl In a roadhouse pisser, a roadhouse pisser Her lovin' gonna make my ribcage into a xylophone, look out
13.
Ditty #2092 00:30
14.
IGOR THE TRANSYLVANIAN SPEEDFREAK Igor the Transylvanian speedfreak Freak! The Transylvanian speedfreak Eye-gor! Freak! The Transylvanian speedfreak Freak! Freak! Freak!
15.
I SAW YOUR DREAM I saw the steam from your dream in the hall I should be shamed and in-famed Not at all I took a peep, faked my sleep, totally still One-sided show, was a low of the will Lei suona il cuore molto bene Escolta la registazione il nostro della suo canzone preferita I heard the steam from your dream in your room Light(?) black as night on a fight sure to resume You think I get desperate, but tell me true How do plans progress into a mess when planned by you? Sometimes it's over before it's begun Escolta la registazione il nostro della suo canzone preferita I saw your dream And my dream
16.
Numbers 01:32
NUMBERS Beans and motor oil Sacrifice for control; control mis-used Sadistic, repetitive colors A change of atmosphere Violent gagging Obscure as technology He left to tradition all they held imperative I cried all day Numbers Out of context and meaningless ...in a way
17.
Samurai 01:57
SAMURAI I'll tell you why I cried: because I couldn't move It's always how it goes, nothing to do or prove I'll tell you why I cried: because of feeling trapped It used to make me struggle, but now my drive is tapped And that is why I have become a samurai But not the kind you have heard of Lazy and devoid of motivation, and of love
18.
SCOTT AIN'T HERE SO GO AWAY I know it revokes platitudes of clichéd commonplation but girl there's no such thing as instant gratification your atmosphere is tainted with a musty, aged scent of cosmetics, which you're painted with (leas' I think that's what I meant) Scott ain't here, go away and don't come back I know I shouldn't find myself a two-bag situation but girl there's no such thing as moral gratification my intellect is tainted with a sick, perverted crux a most upsetting notion (Jesus Christ this ditty sucks) Scott is here, why don't you stay? don't turn your back
19.
Warm Beer 01:42
WARM BEER A case of beer, a warm veneer The hills were flat and boring To hoist the sails on grander scales is left to those exploring Burning cones on Catherine's bones, we set out on the railroad Packed a 'Lac and regrouped back with dancing devils haloed I threw a blistered lasso out to every head of cattle I grew a head of fire for each time I went to battle
20.
21.
Expelled 01:54
EXPELLED Back when I was a kid, all the things that I did they seemed vexatious Back in grade number five I would talk so much jive no concern for cautious I was so obnoxious I was king, I had my day then I was sent away Said goodbye to my peers, it was jerkin' my tears they signed my ball Spent the summer alone, on my head was a cone didn't matter at all return back to the hall I was king, I had my day then I was sent away
22.
FOURTH CLASS HUMAN SKULL Think not of yourself, but of your armor Resting on a shelf in someone's future You'd be a bargain for study or a subject for a drawing course and though your story'd be muddy your legacy would be that of your cranial hull A fourth-class human skull A basic comprehension of our design In a disparate dimension after your body has resigned
23.
24.
Gas 02:42
GAS [single edit] I think, why are all the good ones so few and far between? Then I get to thinkin' If that weren't the case Exactly what it'd mean It'd mean that all the others would then be oddity (That's including me) and then commodity and I wouldn't be here bathed in gasoline I think, why are you so cold and why are you so mean? Then I get to thinkin' If you hadn't left Exactly what it'd mean It'd mean that I'd be lucky to have you here with me But here I wouldn't be, we'd set sail and be free and I wouldn't be here bathed in gasoline I think, will it be as painful as when you cut me down When I light the match and cinder [?] into ash and blow across the ground? It'd hurt for only minutes and then it will have been the last that I'll be seen and I will not be here bathed in gasoline
25.
ROSEWATER AND BLEEDYFACE (the prehistory) Rose W. was on a cloud, ‘n she shouted down onto the crowd, through a megaphone so very loud, the waves, they got the bends W was Watovich, and in time was her saving stitch: Her message, and the bulk of which was “please salute my friends” Markie’s finger and Mickey’s thumb—the latter climbed and shuffled some before announcing that someone had come to rid the path before us A deskjob on a sinking ship found Mickey saying, “she can slip and slide, but I won’t let her rip!” ...I’m looking for the chorus...
26.
27.
Moat 03:48
MOAT I'm a door and you're a switch and right now you've turned off to all that comes through me I'm a whore and you're a bitch and right now you've been had to all that you won't concede How's life underneath your rock? How is it beyond the moat? How are things back in history? How is it in your anchored boat? I'm the way and you're the block and right now you're stumbling over what you claim to know I'm a day and you're a clock and right now you're stopping, refusing to let me go Break ground, shut down You and your mind are a "CLOSED TO PUBLIC" sign
28.
29.
Duster 00:42
DUSTER Bury my fears with the wisdoms Everything's burning ahead Is this mark of a true bombardier? Grinding 'er down to the lead? Envious phantasmic playmates Dodging the cones on the side Up on the wheel but not under Since LNCLN2 up and died Talking to myself again Every way the same Riding in a (SEVEN-ZERO) ...with no name
30.
THE RELIGION SONG Jesus was a woman and Moses was a queer Job invented LSD and God invented beer Satan did a lap dog and John had sex with cats Eve hung out in nightclubs and Judas went to Fat's Samuel was busted for robbing liquor stores Obadiah liked the Stones and Amos liked the Doors Micah rode a skateboard and blistered both his knees Joshua was blown away by thirty homie G's Baa baa blasphemer, have you any faith? Fuck no, bag ho', thou hast lost an eighth! Mark went on Geraldo and Luke on Ricki Lake Jonah bought a dime bag and he and Lot were baked Cain & Abel shared a place and Adam lived alone Matthew played Nintendo and Ezra played trombone Peter followed Ruth around until he hit the skins Jeremiah wore a wig and Noah scuba fins Mary worked at Burger King, Isaiah worked at Shell Malachi went to the track and Joseph went to hell
31.
INDIGENOUS LINDA I'll never get out of this place An eternal good time not withstanding I just couldn't look at her face She, my guide through hard-time space expanding From a bottomless firepit Came a string of electric lights And the image that came from it Was one of mirth and dying Earth And new wave civil rights A staircase of spiral design Transdimensional confines exploded Ten flights down to the mastermind of a trend that could not be outmoded Seein’ as how I was still alive I entered, riding a brand new knife No one there saw the truck arrive to drive me out The title bout has been here all my life
32.
Toursick 03:30
TOURSICK (MUST EXIT AGAIN) Drivin’ slow through S.L.O. I found my bearings Right next to my marbles It garbles the sound I’ve been countried, I’ve been towned Gotta get out on the black top Must write “Must Exit” all over Again I’ve been country-stoned and straight up crowned How does it feel? Not only tires squeal I’ll do it again I did it again and again
33.
AUTOMATIC SPRINKLERS Too far to save, you made your own bed, dug your own grave She'll dig you better dead Sung your last song while you fought for your rights But your right to be wrong got caught in the sights I'll be wishin' you were here And lookin' for a beer When the automatic sprinklers come on I'll be brushin' off the snails And lookin' towards the rails When the automatic sprinklers come on She's so dramatic with musky black cones A head like an attic full of cobwebs and bones An old Cadillac with devils haloed Who dance in the back as she hits the road Now it's only mono But a head that's givin' her doom is a pain that's sharp like Romano So why are you leavin' so soon? The street lamps turn on The rain's comin' down Her ass on the bumper, her feet on the ground Her head in her hands, elbows on her knees The headlights shine out onto apricot trees
34.

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released August 16, 2015

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