You Snooze You Win

by Theophagus

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about

{TCE-042}

THEOPHAGUS is the name of the solo songwriting/recording project I began at around age 16. From 1992-2002 I recorded roughly 100 hours of material, most of it on my Yamaha MT8X 8-track cassette recorder.

This is the fourth in a series of archival collections. Each is about an hour long. Every song has been redigitized, rebuilt, remixed, and remastered directly from the original cassettes.

(While we at Optical Pies Recorders have made every effort possible to heighten and augment the fidelity, the quality in places might seem lacking. Probably because I was a teenager and recorded everything through crappy distortion and phaser pedals.)

credits

released July 22, 2015

[UPDATE Sept. 1 2015] It appears that the track "Saanen Hock Chevon" from Volume 1 has made an accidental second appearance here at track 33. I guess I was snoozing (= WINNING)

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Track Name: Orphan of a Rock Opera
ORPHAN OF A ROCK OPERA

(Look away!)
What is this treason? I cannot bear to look! (bear to look)
But something tells me that I...
(just might have to look)
You all have forsaken me!! And now--
(something tells me)
You must DIE! Die by my hand!
(you all must die - die by his hand)
And I said that all of, of you, all are going to DIE
(You're going to die, you're going to die
I don't want doo-doo-die)
Oh! But I didn't think -
about my love interest
in this rock opera that does not really exist
Oh! I am so forsaken now
(Don't look!)
Track Name: Hornswoggled
HORNSWOGGLED

Have you ever been hornswoggled?
I hear it's pretty killer
With the wake and work and wait and getaway clean
[I think these lacquer fumes are getting to me]
Have you ever had your woofers blown?
I hear it makes your eyes spin
With the fry and fly and flip and howdy, Howdy D
Howdy Doody was a pervert
Betty Crocker was a G
Beetle Bailey was a sucka
Have you ever had a katzenjammer?
I hear it's like the "jim-jams"
With the cry and crack and cringe and "mop-up aisle nine"
Track Name: The Ballad of Lady Luck
THE BALLAD OF LADY LUCK

A dot's just a dot
Unless it's the top of a flagpole
If that's where you are
You don't know how long the rest of this song will be
If you're only this far
So piss up that flagpole and shit up a storm
And tell us if you think that you'll be kept warm
When you are still wearin' that same uniform
When you're dead
'Cause every so often your asshole will shit YOU instead
Track Name: Where The Hell is Heaven?
WHERE THE HELL IS HEAVEN?

There's something so really wrong about this whole thing
Lay down in the junkyard
And breathe in all that you see
Don't fuck with me, fellas
'Cause I'm headed right towards seven
The crust is all that's left when you stop dreaming
The bass under me in the junkyard
Please tell us, where the hell is heaven?
There's something so "last year" about this whole thing
The circle closes on your pained lower back
Don't fuck with me, fellas, I'm headed right towards seven
Please tell us, where the hell is heaven?
And if you think I'm wakin' up, baby,
you're motherfuckin' dreaming
White blood under black in the junkyard
Where the hell is heaven?
Track Name: Desert Flower
DESERT FLOWER

At the beginning of a brand-new life in the desert land
Bermuda shorts and a brand-new wife
If you could do it all again, would you waste the time
And dine with your head in the sand?
A bad idea just gets badder, harmless as it may seem
Until you find yourself climbing up the ladder
Everyone in every scene is actin' cartoon
And the moon is the light on the outlaw in your dream
Down in the garden of the willow tree
Where the winds are soft and billowy
Your head of worry in the pillow deep
You will dream you're the ether
Those outlaws fly the coop from underground
Hard world for little things
The El Dorado and the trail, the scent of Royal Crown
Bad trouble, what it brings
You refinance your spread
You hold your head in your hands as the jailbirds sing
There's what's right, and there's the way you'll set this
You say it to your shame
And the one that needs to get his diphtheria and tetanus
You know his real name
The shapes and shadows of the cast have passed
And the future looks about the same
Track Name: Virgin Mary Plastic Nite Lite Song
VIRGIN MARY PLASTIC NITE LITE SONG

I got a Virgin Mary nite lite
It keeps my bathroom lit all the time
Track Name: I Am Just a Brain
I AM JUST A BRAIN

(I'm only a brain I am a brain I am just a I'm just a brain)
I made a hand spell out these words
(I'm only a brain I am a brain I am just a I'm just a brain)
Then I used a pair of eyes to read what I had written
(I'm only a brain I am a brain I'm am just I'm a just a brain)
What you are hearing comes from a mouth
(I'm only a brain I am a brain I am just I am just a brain)
But how to form it - how it comes out -
Another brain made its body write
that "God does not play dice"
Another brain made its body ask
"How much choice did God have?"
But I am just a brain
(I'm only a brain I am a brain I am just I am just a brain)
Now I make the body stand
(I'm only a brain I am a brain I am just I am just a brain)
Singin' this to you
(I'm only a I am a I am just a I'm just a just a brain)
So you can keep it in your brain for a day or two
(I'm only a brain I am a brain I am just a I'm just a brain)
The singing mouth drives me insane... and so do you!
Another brain made its body write
that "God does not play dice"
Another brain made its body ask
"How much choice did God have?"
But I am just a brain
(I am just a brain) Yeah! (...A BRAIN!) I am just a brain!
(I'm just a just a just a just a a a just a just a
Just a brain)
Track Name: Half Moon
HALF MOON

I steered my wagon toward the sea
We headed back at five to three
You know that something’s got to change
and it just may as well be me
Just like an older state of rust
without the state of being just
Corroded morning doesn’t seem so strange
When you kill yourself it won’t surprise me
Now who’d have thought you’d hear the sound
go to the shore and all around
I’ve learned the triangle by touch
while never being so profound
When one is furthest from a saint
is when one never says he ain’t
So when this poetry becomes too much
When you kill yourself it won’t surprise me.
My newfound self-esteem says I don’t need you.
My newfound self-esteem says I don’t need you anymore.
Track Name: Urban Todd
URBAN TODD

So familiar
Bursting in
Movie blue
[Startled din]
I remember him
Two of my best friends
Urban Todd
Track Name: Don't Blame Me (I Voted For Rock 'n' Roll)
DON'T BLAME ME (I VOTED FOR ROCK 'N' ROLL)

You can't blame me for all this
It all had changed, I had turned
I made my point as known as -
- well, as known as it should be
I could be wrong
I lost my way back home
A song - I don't accept this tone
I feel so disorient, have reached a point of mulish
No longer part of those defending
Well, I guess that's the way it should be
But I could be wrong
I lost my way back home
A song of which I have outgrown
Track Name: Must Exit
MUST EXIT

The blacktop just keeps on, local girl stays home
Just like Japanese-animated teeth
Just like King Solomon's Reef
The rooftop just keeps on
Find another home
You must exit here
Down small town career
Go for a walk
Jackknife
I've got a right mind to find some brew and mash
And I would, but it's cashed
And I've got to find some place to crash
and wake and make a dash
and yes, the blacktop just keeps on
Track Name: Spine & Skull
SPINE & SKULL
[aka THE FACTIONS OF FICTION]

The factions of fiction, resplendent with diction
acquired from a desperate call
Were given their taste near the Tropic of Waste
whilst our piss-boners destroyed us all
The desensitivity raised in captivity
spawned with its ghostly-white friends
Who’d come back to haunt ‘em
as the voices of quantum remind you that it never ends
Oh oh oh oh
Wild mathematics and quivering mass
Cacophonous mantras of theory
They meditate to obtain peace of ass
But in the end, what you send is so eerie
Crystal tradition of stubborn ignition
stomps down a patty of bleach
Warm kisses travel to the spine & skull gavel
and the guilty are sent to the beach
The fictional factoid the piss-boners destroyed
rode a custodial break
Once on the sand, she just showed us a hand
and headed back into the lake
Oh oh oh oh
Wild mathematics and quivering mass
Cacophonous mantras of theory
They meditate to obtain peace of ass
but in the end, the results that you send
are so indescribably eerie
Track Name: You Snooze You Win
YOU SNOOZE YOU WIN

No harm, no foul
No blues, no sin
You snooze you win
Track Name: Bottle of Jealousy
BOTTLE OF JEALOUSY

As long as you are livin’, you will never be forgiven
for throwing all my love for you away
You betrayed me with your treason
but you still don’t see a reason
that I’d still be crying to this very day
She said I should be happy for her and her new lover
If I can’t have you, I hope you suffer
I just can’t let it go
and I’d just thought I’d let you know
that it’s because I’m too depressed and too unstable
You took me for a sucker - you were right, you motherfucker
(who needs love when I got cable)
Why should I be happy for your happiness
when you were happy for my misery?
All I wanted was you (I hope you die)
I don’t want to be your friend (I hope you die)
All my fears have come true (I hope you die)
My back is broken again
I hope you
die
Track Name: Viaje a Las Estrellas
VIAJE A LAS ESTRELLAS

I gots courage, I gots courage
I like my coffee in styrofoam cups
I LIKE MY COFFEE
Track Name: Pressing
PRESSING

Catalina Patty in plastic & paper
Courage in converging lanes
Call it closure, but I jus' had to tape her
I got balls and matching chains
and I'm being pulled under, lookin' for the inner tube
but my inner child must'a popped it
when he was fuckin' around
Bein' pulled under, lookin' for the inner tube
In the heat of Molach's blazes
see the children with their eyes rolled back
An exhibition that astounds and amazes
It's just another of his sinister phases
The flaming pedestal perfidious raises
That's where you'll find me
Bisected at the waist and painted black
Track Name: Polygon Moses
POLYGON MOSES

From the screen to select to the lay of the land
The stone to erect, the control in my hand
The feedback is tactile and covered with sand
Pen and ink, let them drink
Track Name: Kid Salami
KID SALAMI

Ev'rybody talkin' 'bout da Kid Salami
Ev'rybody talkin' 'bout meh: Kid Salami
I got the kinda pecker [like] "L'incrociatore"
Track Name: What
WHAT

I like my sex on a trapeze
On The Turning Away...Japanese
Jalapeño jack is my favorite cheese
I'll come back gold like a dolphin
Hi, my name is Alcibiades
Roger just blew us a stiff cool breeze
You can't see the paper for the trees
but the tickets I've sold are wolfen [sic]
Why do I have to ask "why do I have to ask 'why do I have to ask why?'?"?
Track Name: Plush Nothing
PLUSH NOTHING

He's just a Bill but not just an artiste
For his fictional kid and his fictional beast
were cause for applause, to say what is least
And they live on
For when you stand up and refuse to sell them to plush
to sell them to plush, to sell them to plush
...then, what the fuck?
You see them smokin' grass and pissin' on somebody's truck
It's hard to image his kid as a man, forever innocent
It always ran in what's black & white and read 'cross the land
And they live on
And had they not disappeared from the pages
I'm sure that they'd be revered through the ages
Not geared toward the wages, he feared all the cages
For when you stand up and refuse to sell them to plush
to sell them to plush, to sell them to plush
...then, what the fuck?
You see them smokin' grass
[Pants down around the ass]
For when you stand up and refuse to sell them to plush
to sell them to plush, to sell them to plush
...then, what the fuck?
You see them smokin' grass
and pissin' on somebody's truck
Track Name: Another First #2
ANOTHER FIRST #2

I had a dream I was bein’ chased by Deney Terrio
It was so scary-o
Happened in stereo
I had a dream that he had been hit by an atomic blast
He was screamin’, "Avast!"
He was runnin’ so fast
I had a dream that my running shoes,
they were both made of lead
"Avast, ye swine!!" he said; he was after my head
I had a dream that I then woke up
And then it seemed so tame
(wrote it down just the same)
“Another First” the name
Another first
Track Name: Saanen Hock Chevon
SAANEN HOCK CHEVON

I could jump from the top of a building
with my face washed clean
Our eyes would meet, you'd fall for me then
Love at first sight, all the way down
I could rip out all of my IV's with both my lovin' arms
You'd see my point, you'd love me again
Love at first sight, to the very end
This is not the ensemble I had in mind
But I do it the same ev'ry fuckin' time
The title is irrelevant, it's still the same fuckin' song
That's why I called it somethin' stupid,
like "Saanen Hock Chevon"
If I could just put down this pen--
Track Name: Miss Parasite
MISS PARASITE

You ask me why did I leave you
for the girl in the malted liquor ads
I'll tell you why you still need me to explain it to you,
just this final time
Why must I be so analytical?
Why must you be so ectoparasitical?
Take you away from this billboard
Take your extension ladder and your Dutch Boy paint
You ask me how could I hurt you
I'll explain it to you just this final time
Track Name: Suburban Soul Series
SUBURBAN SOUL SERIES

What more are stereotypes
but immense exaggerations of tiny truths?
What is fantasy
but advertisement for synthetic aggrandizement that's
so obvious it's fake?
Who's to say who's really in torment,
when someone has to pay the rent
- and it won't be your heart exposed
Just because you've never been opened
doesn't mean that you're closed
What could be more tragic
than a sheltered mis-assemblage [sic] of those subdued,
who claim that they would risk the greatest cost
because they haven't loved
because they haven't loved
because they haven't loved
and
lost?
Track Name: I'm Just Another Songwriter with a Guitar
I'M JUST ANOTHER SONGWRITER WITH A GUITAR

I’m just another songwriter with a guitar
there are a million of me
and you know who you are
I’m just another songwriter with a guitar
there are a million of me
and we know who we are